City of Arabel

[Silverstar]

Scrawled across a tearstained page in untidy handwriting.

Zenobia's dead and she's not coming back. What am I going to do?
_________________
Edana SeLangstra, ex-Breskie and mother of triplets. Lives in Silverymoon
Azria Saal, freed Thayan Knight
Miranda Isilme, priestess of Selune

[Silverstar]

14/12/04

Zenobia's back! I'm still not sure how or why she was gone so long - she did explain, but I was barely paying attention - but she's back and I'm so happy!

Something weird happened. She has red eyes now. They look really strange and I'm not entirely sure I like it, but still, she's my Zeno and she's back in one piece, and if red eyes are the price we have to pay for that, then so be it.

We're going to get the wedding organised. Soon. The Baroness being there would be wonderful, but with no one knowing when she'll be back, we can't wait forever. Hopefully she'll be back soon and be able to make it anyway.

I didn't write about the incident with Ariel a while back for some reason. But anyway, a few weeks ago, Ariel got drunk and kissed Zeno. I didn't deal too well with it, and it still worries me a little, but recently, Ariel apparently had a dream or a vision or something from her goddess, telling her that she had to swear a vow to Zeno and I, promising to protect us and our family. I'm not entirely sure why, but she did. I just hope it doesn't end up like that last time anyone swore to protect me. After all, I ended up getting engaged to her ...

The Bresks were wonderful these past few days while I thought I'd lost Zenobia. Melanie wrote to me, offering any help or advice I needed, and Bromsay and Tyro were there for me the whole time. I really appreciated it, and it makes me even more determined that I'm going to help out the House in any way I can.

Wynn was wonderful too. He was there for me when I found out, and he looked after me. I don't know what I would have done without all my friends. I'm so lucky to have them and to have Zenobia back. The Lady must be watching over me right now.
_________________
Edana SeLangstra, ex-Breskie and mother of triplets. Lives in Silverymoon
Azria Saal, freed Thayan Knight
Miranda Isilme, priestess of Selune

[Silverstar]

Gods, I feel depressed.

And a few days ago, I was pretty happy, too. I'd heard from various people that the Bresks had a space for a new retainer, and considering Zenobia had said to me that Bromsay had talked to her about the possibility of me getting the next open spot, and had seemed willing to support my application, I wrote him a letter, asking him to consider me. He wrote back, asking me what I thought of becoming an Events Co-ordinator for the House, and whether I'd suggest a few events that I could organise if I did get the post. I, of course, said that I'd love to take the job, and suggested a few things that I'd been considering for a while.

Anyway, I spoke to Zeno about how my application was progressing, and apparently, for some reason that I don't understand, Melanie is blocking it completely. Zenobia is really angry with her, and it seems that it's turned into some kind of major disagreement between them. I don't know what Melanie has against me. She's always been perfectly nice to me before, and I get on with every other member of the House. Zeno thought that Bromsay would support her, but apparently he's come up with a 'compromise' that basically allows Melanie to give the job to whoever she wants, and I'm 'allowed' to stay as a friend to the Bresks.

I've been trying to calm Zenobia down. She's absolutely incandescent about it, especially now that Bromsay seems to be siding with Melanie, and she's threatening to leave the House if I don't get the job. And I honestly think she's going to do it. She's been worried about the direction the House is going in for some time, because Melanie is so different from Natassia, and is taking the House in a way that Natassia would be horrified over. I don't know Melanie all that well, but certainly when I do see her, she's often yelling at people, or threatening them or even beating them for one reason or another. It's not how I always thought the Bresks were. But I don't want Zeno to leave the House over me. Even if Melanie is trying to turn the House into something it shouldn't be, I figure Zeno needs to stay there and try to keep her vows to Natassia. Keep the House the way it was. But she's not going to listen to me, even if I tell her that the job doesn't matter to me,

Trouble is, it does matter to me. A lot. I've wanted to be a member of the Bresks ever since Zeno became one, and I've tried so hard to help them out when I can, and support them and everything. Natassia is a wonderful person, and there isn't another noble in Arabel that comes close to the way she seems to be. I can't imagine any of the other nobles being willing to sit on the grass by the waterfall with me and have a picnic, or happily take me along on a patrol with her, or give me a dress from their own private collection. The Bresks seemed kind and noble and honorable, and I want to be a part of the House so much. And I really thought I stood a chance. I thought Bromsay and Tyro would support me, even if some of the others didn't, but from what Zeno says, even they prefer Melanie's ideas. I'm not sure what else I could do to make myself worthy.

I guess that's it, really. I've never been much good at anything. Zenobia is the only person who has ever really thought a whole lot of me, and now I'm going to be rejected from the House that I've wanted to be a part of for so long - I guess I should have figured really that I couldn't ever be good enough. I should stop wearing their colours, I guess. I mean, who am I trying to kid? I'm not a Bresk, and I guess I never will be.

Those few days that I thought I would be, though - that was a good feeling.
_________________
Edana SeLangstra, ex-Breskie and mother of triplets. Lives in Silverymoon
Azria Saal, freed Thayan Knight
Miranda Isilme, priestess of Selune

[Silverstar]

21/01/05

Well, it seems I'm in, in a way, at least. I'm employed by the Bresks, not as an official retainer as such, but so long as they want me, that doesn't matter so much. I can be with Zeno, work for the House, and that's plenty for me.

I really hope that at least part of them giving me the job is because they wanted me, and not just because Zenobia bullied them into it. I guess all that really means is that I'll have to work twice as hard to make sure that I can prove myself worthy. Which is fine. I planned to work as hard as I could anyhow, because I really want to try to make a success of this. Make something of myself, so that I can be known and respected for something that I've done, not just because I'm Zeno's girlfriend.

Melanie surprised me. I was fully expecting that she would hate me for getting the job, after what Zenobia said about what she was saying, but she's already welcomed me to the House, and even hugged me. Perhaps she doesn't hate me after all. I hope not.

I spent a good while with Lemir too today. He's one of the Bresks that I know the least well, so it was nice to spend some time chatting to him. He walked out to East Way with me and Wynn and some others, and then we went for a drink in the inn there. He's a nice guy. We talked about a lot of things, such as the racist proclamations that Kevan Bhaliir has been making. Honestly, all he needs to do is speak to Tyro to realise that the things he says about half-orcs aren't true. Lemir said that he'd love to see Kevan bump into Tyro at a house gathering sometime. Hmm, maybe that's a good idea for an event?

I really ought to get on and start deciding what my first task will be in my new job. Something simple to start with, I think. And if I can make it fun and useful too, so much the better.

I feel so much happier. Being part of something just makes me feel happy inside.
_________________
Edana SeLangstra, ex-Breskie and mother of triplets. Lives in Silverymoon
Azria Saal, freed Thayan Knight
Miranda Isilme, priestess of Selune

[Silverstar]

Well, the debating evening I'm organising seems to be progressing well. Bromsay seems to be really pleased with how it's going, so I'm hoping I'm managing to prove myself worthy of a place in the House. I'm not planning it all by myself, but still ...

My life has suddenly got a whole lot busier now that I'm part of the House. In most ways it's great. I feel part of something important, and I have responsibilities and tasks that I'm happy to complete. I spoke to Wynn earlier though, and he's talking about leaving the city again. I told him how much I'd miss him, and he commented that he barely ever sees me anymore. I guess that's a problem. I'm so busy that I have less time for my friends now. I don't want him to leave. I promised I'd try to help him find a reason to stay, and I'm going to try my very hardest, even though I have no clue what that reason might be. All Wynn wants is someone to love, and someone who loves him. I mean, I know of someone who I think loves Wynn - who I think has loved Wynn for a very long time - but whether it's any of my business to tell him, I don't know. I could just make things worse.

He said something slightly odd to me the other day. I wonder if he really meant it? Even though I guess it's probably not something that I should consider, the thought that he'd be willing to do that ... to help us like that...

Zeno is acting a little oddly. She spends all her time at the estate these days, and barely ventures out into the city at all. I really hope she's not ill or anything. I'll have to take extra special care of her for a while and make sure she's ok.
_________________
Edana SeLangstra, ex-Breskie and mother of triplets. Lives in Silverymoon
Azria Saal, freed Thayan Knight
Miranda Isilme, priestess of Selune

[Silverstar]

There's so much to do right now. I wish there were more hours in the day! I have an awful lot of work on for the House, plus there's looking after Zeno, and now I'm doing my very best to take care of Wynn too.

There's trouble with regards to him. He has a new girlfriend named Taryn, who I've met briefly, and seems nice enough. However, Kurenai caught them together, and went mad, calling Wynn a betrayer and telling him to watch his back. He's now determined to go to her and offer his life to her in recompense for what she sees as a betrayal, despite the fact that she disappears off at a moments notice all the time, and doesn't let him know where she is or what she's doing. She could be up to anything. And she even told him to find someone else. I'm really scared that she's going to hurt him. I've been trying to take him out and get him enjoying himself again. Remind him of all the good times so that maybe he'll realise life is worth living after all and not do it. I even poured out how I felt on paper and gave it to him, but I don't know if he ever read it. He hasn't mentioned he did. He told me today someone else is threatening to kill him, too. I couldn't bear losing him. He and Zeno are everything to me, pretty much.

I'm throwing myself into my work for the House to try to take my mind of it. And praying as often as I can at the shrine. If Lady Luck has any kind of feeling for me, maybe she'll help me with this. Maybe.
_________________
Edana SeLangstra, ex-Breskie and mother of triplets. Lives in Silverymoon
Azria Saal, freed Thayan Knight
Miranda Isilme, priestess of Selune

[Silverstar]

It’s been an awfully long time since I wrote anything in my diary. Not since before Zeno died. I can write that now. I don’t think I could have done before. I miss her so much, and I always will, but people are right, it does get easier with time. When I think of her now, I try to remember all the good times we had, instead of dwelling on the fact that she’s gone, and that helps.

I was so lonely. Almost all my time was spent with her, and without her, there was a great gaping hole in my life. There are so few of my friends left in the city. They’re either dead, like Zeno and Melissa, or they’ve left the city, like Wynn and Garen, or I just haven’t seen them in so long that I don’t know what’s happened to them, like Val and Anna. If it hadn’t been for the House, I don’t know what I would have done, but at least I still have somewhere to live, and people that care for me. I wrote to Wynn, hoping that he would get my letter because I didn’t really know where he’d gone, except that he talked about going back to Skullport. I did get a reply after a long time, and he told me that if I ever needed him to come back, he would, but I can’t ask him to come back just because I’m lonely. He was having such a hard time here that I’ve just got to hope that wherever he is, he’s found some happiness, and that one day he’ll come back and find me. I miss him like crazy too. I hope he is happy, somewhere.

I miss having people to love. I’m barely twenty years old, but I guess I’ve had my chances at love. Twice I’ve loved with everything I have, and twice I’ve lost them. I don’t know that I could do it again. It would take an incredibly special man, or woman, I guess, to make me open my heart up to the possibility of it being broken again. Perhaps one day, but I’m not going to count on it. I’ll just live with the memories of what it was like when I was loved, and hope that they will keep me going. My dreams of a family – a home and children and a real love – will just have to stay dreams.

Things are getting easier, both because the pain of losing Zeno and missing Wynn is becoming less sharp and more bittersweet, and because I’m making new friends. The House has taken on two new retainers since the last time I wrote. Mathard has taken over Zeno’s job as House Tactician, and that feels a little odd to me, but it was needed. I’ve not really spent much time with him. He seems nice enough, but a little bit strange, perhaps. He wears a helmet all the time, and I’ve been told he’s disfigured underneath it – burned or something. I don’t know how easy it will be to get to know him well. The other new retainer is Matilda, and she’s lovely. We seem to have become good friends, and that’s something that I’m really happy about. We often spend the days together working and joking about, which is nice. And it’s good to have someone to work with again. I’m gradually getting to know other new people around the city, and hopefully things will start to look up. I don’t see the Baroness much, but Lemir is back, and I get on well with him, and I seem to be getting on better with Melanie too, which is good.

Work is keeping me busy. I’m doing bits of research into all kinds of things – fey and magic circles and portals and gemstones and reagents for summoning spells. It’s all very interesting. And I’ve got maps to make and patrols to run. I need to learn to be a better leader. That always used to be Zeno’s job, but it’s something I need to do myself now. I’m going to work at it as much as I can. If people are entrusting me to be in charge of patrols and missions, I owe it to them to do the best job I can. Perhaps I should find someone to give me some pointers?

We’ve been hearing rumours around the city about sightings of men in Bresk uniforms working with evil. It’s not any of us, so it seems to me that either someone is trying to discredit us, again, or the old Baroness is becoming more active. I don’t like it. I’m keeping an ear out for any more sightings, and I’ve heard a few things that I don’t like the sound of. House Bresk doesn’t deserve all of the people working so hard against us. Why can’t people see that?
_________________
Edana SeLangstra, ex-Breskie and mother of triplets. Lives in Silverymoon
Azria Saal, freed Thayan Knight
Miranda Isilme, priestess of Selune

[Silverstar]

Work is a lot of fun at the moment. Matilda and I are working together a lot on various things. We've been experimenting with summoning spells, trying to build up a list of what we can use to summon different creatures. And we're working on a business idea for the House, which, if we can get it off the ground, will hopefully benefit both the House and the city. It was Bromsay's idea, but I've been really trying hard to do my bit for it.

I've been on a few combat related jobs recently, for the first time in a while. And for the first time in a while, I had to deal with someone being killed whilst working with me. It makes me feel awful when that happens. Like there should have been something I could have done to help. It's worse after Zenobia died. I wasn't there for her, and now that I was there for someone, he still died. I took all his things to the House of Death, because he worked there, and Jacen came by today to collect the gold I was holding for them. I wish I knew him better. He works a lot for the House, and Matilda talks about him a lot, but I've never really spent much time with him. It's a shame. There's a lot of people I'd like to get to know better. Now that I guess I'm free to spend time with whoever I want, I should do. I should make better friends with people.

I'm a little worried about the mage that helped me out with my summoning spells not so long ago - Jude, his name was. He told Matilda he wanted to "carnally assault" me, and asked her to prepare apple sausages for his next visit. Matilda told me to just humour him, and that he'd said the same to her, but - he's pretty weird.

Life is pretty good at the moment, apart from that. I ought to get more events organised. Some contests and things. Matilda had a good idea for a game we could do, and I have prizes ready for archery contests and so on. I ought to get on and do them.
_________________
Edana SeLangstra, ex-Breskie and mother of triplets. Lives in Silverymoon
Azria Saal, freed Thayan Knight
Miranda Isilme, priestess of Selune

[Silverstar]

Another death whilst working with me. This time, Russander of Bhaliir. Thankfully, Matilda and I were able to get him raised, but still … Russander seems to be a good man … a surprise to me, because we’ve previously felt such enmity from House Bhaliir. I hope he truthfully is all he seems, but the Baroness trusts him, and so I should too.

Slowly, Matilda and my work in dispelling the rumours around the House seems to be bearing fruit. Yesterday, an elf we were working with began to talk about us as vampires, and other people started to tell him not to be so silly, even before I had chance. People finally seem to be understanding. The House is growing in stature … I’ve heard comments about how House Bresk is the most visible around the city, how generous we are, how helpful. Our true nature is finally being known. And mostly due to Matilda’s presence, I think. I do my best, but she has such a sunny personality that everyone adores her. The Baroness did well in employing her.

Another trip to Castle Bresk is needed – the old Baroness’ library is our main source of information as to how to face the numerous undead threats that threaten the city, and another one is in the offing. Jacen stopped by the estate a few days ago to talk with Matilda and myself, and told us some information regarding Dragon Cultists, which we need to investigate.

He asked me to walk back to the city with him, once we’d finished our meeting, but then, instead of heading for the city, he took me to the graveyard south of the estate. We stopped in the snow and in the dark, and looked at the gravestones of those who gave their lives in saving the city from the threat of the old House Bresk, and he laid a rose on one of the graves, that of a Sunite paladin. He talked to me a while, offering me his condolences on Zenobia’s death. I barely know him, but he knew the right things to say. He told me that, as long as I live, there is still hope that the emptiness in my heart will be filled again; that one day, love might find me again. Perhaps he’s right. It’s what Wynn would have said to me, I’m sure. I think I caught a glimpse of what Matilda sees in him that night. An air of mystery, but also of compassion … knowing that I needed someone to make me see. I appreciated it so much.

Zenobia’s name crops up more and more. Speaking to a gentlemen named Talwyn yesterday about weddings, he also offered his condolences, and talked about her, telling me that when you love someone, a ceremony isn’t necessary. When Matilda and I got back to the estate, she talked to me a little about Mathard, and the things she’d said to him. He’d asked her for a song. I told her that I wanted to hear her sing sometime, because although I hear her everyday, it’s inevitably in the midst of battle, and it’s difficult to listen much at those times. She offered me a song there and then … and I couldn’t help but let the tears roll down my face as she did so. It was a song of friendship, letting me know that she was there for me. It’s so good to have a best friend again … someone that I can support and who supports me. I’m trying to help her with her lovelife, and she’s there for me when I’m feeling sad. She’s going to make me a copy of the song, and I’ve suggested that we set up a performance at the estate for her soon, so that we can show her beautiful voice off to the rest of the city.

I hope Jacen is right. I hope that one day, I’ll find someone. Not to take Zenobia’s place, but to make a place of their own in my heart. I’ll always love her, like I’ll always love Wynn, but they are gone, and I may have long years ahead of me in which to live.
_________________
Edana SeLangstra, ex-Breskie and mother of triplets. Lives in Silverymoon
Azria Saal, freed Thayan Knight
Miranda Isilme, priestess of Selune

[Silverstar]

Written neatly on a sheet of paper and pasted into the journal

[Silverstar]

Wynn's back in the city! Only for a visit, but still, it's so nice to see him! We've been reminiscing a lot, and he helped me out with a patrol yesterday. It's good to have my big brother back. I wish he'd stay, but I don't think he will. I'll just have to make the most of having him here while he's here.

Matilda and I went on a job today, hunting down a band of ogres for a farmer whose cow they had stolen. It went badly ... Matilda was killed, as was Ky'ran and another girl who I don't know. I almost was, but Tymora smiled on me, and brought me back. It was the strangest feeling. Me and the rest of the small group just about managed to get away and rescue the bodies of our fallen due to one of Matilda's invisibility wands that she had made for me. Thank the gods we managed to get them back. It was the first time I've seen someone close to me fall in a long time, and I was terrified of losing Matilda like I've lost so many others.

Everyone is back and safe, though, and my brother is here, so things are good.
_________________
Edana SeLangstra, ex-Breskie and mother of triplets. Lives in Silverymoon
Azria Saal, freed Thayan Knight
Miranda Isilme, priestess of Selune

[Silverstar]

Odd things going on in the city, at the moment, although when aren't there? Something to do with a white dragon and his half-dragon son, a worshipper of Auril. Not only did they scare the living daylights out of Matilda earlier, but I attended Talwyn's wedding this evening, and the son turned up there, freezing the benches and the door, and demanding that we pray to Auril. No one did, and we managed to break down the door and get out of there, but it was scary. The wedding was lovely, apart from that. Talwyn and Eve are so lucky to have each other.

Matilda and I have been raising gold like crazy the past few days. The village of East Way is under attack from bands of ogres coming down out of the hills, and there's some sort of plague too. They had to burn their crops, and are now out of a livelihood. We're being blamed, although I'm not sure I fully understand why, so Matilda decided that we should do our best to help them. We've raised close to 5000gp in the past couple of days for them. I raided my things, and sold off a lot of them, and people have been very generous.

Mathard told me some news of his a few days ago. His girlfriend, Zazi, is pregnant. He's confused and doesn't know what to do about it, and I tried to help him work it out. To be honest, I'm a little jealous. He's so lucky, and he doesn't seem to realise it. I'd give almost anything to be in his position.

My surname is a lot more common than I thought. I was introduced to a Michard Lyonson the other day, a follower of Mystra, I think. He seems nice enough.

Having Wynn back in the city is fantastic. It's almost like old times. We've spent a lot of time talking and advising each other of things the past few days. We're just as close as we always were. In fact, now that neither of us are in a relationship, we're almost closer. I tried to help him with more love troubles that he was having, and I think we're both as lonely as each other, in a way. Both of us have lost people we loved. We made a deal the other day, that if we get too lonely, over the years, we'll marry each other. He's such a sweetheart - he said that he doubted he could do much better than me, if at all. I adore having him around again.

I'm still waiting for the Baroness to find out some things that she promised that she'd find out for us, before we can get on with the business venture the House wants to get started on. I hope she has time to see me soon. There's other things I need to talk to her about.
_________________
Edana SeLangstra, ex-Breskie and mother of triplets. Lives in Silverymoon
Azria Saal, freed Thayan Knight
Miranda Isilme, priestess of Selune

[Silverstar]

Shaky handwriting

It seems I have a brother. Michard is my brother.

I need to talk to someone. Wynn ... or Matilda ... or someone.

All this time, I believed I had no family, and now ... and to find out my father was ...

I need to talk to someone.
_________________
Edana SeLangstra, ex-Breskie and mother of triplets. Lives in Silverymoon
Azria Saal, freed Thayan Knight
Miranda Isilme, priestess of Selune

[Silverstar]

I spoke to Wynn a little about Michard, and my father. He made me feel better about it, like he always does. He helped me to see that, just because my father was the way he was, it doesn't mean that I have it in me to be the same way. I was so upset about the fact that my mother wasted her life loving my father, when she could have had a good life with someone else, but Wynn insisted that it was a good thing, because if my mother hadn't loved him, I wouldn't have been born. He sees a lot more in me than I do - I can't help thinking that my mother would have had a far better life if she hadn't, and that who is to say my life is worth more than hers, but I know she would have said the same as Wynn, if she knew. She and I were happy together, when I was small. And I'm glad she never found out what he was really like.

So now what I need to do is get to know my brother, I guess. I'll introduce him to my friends, and tell him a bit about me, and try to find out what sort of person he is. I hope he's someone that I can like. It feels strange to think that, after all these years, I suddenly have a blood relative. The only family I've had since my mother died has been the one that I chose for myself - Zeno, and Wynn, and the House. To have a family that I know nothing about is odd.

I need to make sure Wynn doesn't feel pushed out. He's been my brother all this time, and suddenly I have a real brother. But Wynn is more than that to me anyhow, and I think he knows that. I hope he does. He and I have been through so much together that I don't even know how to describe our relationship, really. It's an awful lot of things, all jumbled together, and not easy to explain. He knows I love him, at least. And that's what matters.

Matilda already knows Michard, although I haven't told her who he is yet. Maybe he will have told her. I ought to talk to her about it. In fact, I ought to tell all of the House, just so they know, and things don't get confusing.

I went on a trip into the sewers under the city yesterday, with a militia private, and one of the Knights, and some other folk, looking for this tentacle beast which lurks under there. We didn't find it, but we did find some other nasty things. I came out smelling worse than I could imagine, and I had to go straight off for a soak and then bed. It's a shame we don't have proper baths at the estate. I wonder if I could persuade the Baroness to install some?
_________________
Edana SeLangstra, ex-Breskie and mother of triplets. Lives in Silverymoon
Azria Saal, freed Thayan Knight
Miranda Isilme, priestess of Selune

[Silverstar]

It’s amazing, really, just how quickly things can change. Just a few short days ago, I didn’t know I had a brother, and now he’s here, and I suddenly have a blood relation. I’ve been trying to get to know Michard a little better over the past few days. He seems nice, although it’s not easy to tell what he’s like. He’s incredibly formal, which isn’t something I’m very good at dealing with. I tend to joke around a lot, and talk about silly things, and he doesn’t really react much to that. I’m not sure how to break down the formality into something a little easier to deal with, but I guess sooner or later, I’ll figure it out.

Having Michard here has precipitated another change in my life, though. With Wynn. Now I have a real brother, it made me think about how I’ve called Wynn my brother for so long, and I realised that it’s a totally different feeling. I started to think more and more about my relationship with Wynn, trying to classify it as one thing or another, and I couldn’t work it out. We’d spent so much time together recently, and got closer than ever.

I was in the market yesterday, being harangued by a guy named Nathan, who has taken to accosting me in the street everytime he sees me, over some idea he has in his head that House Bresk is the reason for the ogre attacks on East Way. I’m getting heartily sick of him, especially as he doesn’t seem to understand that my answer can’t, and isn’t going to change. Wynn came over while he was going on at me, and after this Nathan eventually left, I suggested to him that we go somewhere quieter, away from idiots like him. Wynn took me out of the city to the pond, where so much happened all that time ago.

We got to talking, and then to reminiscing a little. After a while, he told me how much he missed how happy we used to be together, and we talked a little bit about how things might have been if we’d never split up. The more we talked, the more I remembered just how good things had been back then, and the more I remembered, the more I looked at him, and the more I looked at him, the more I realised just how much I still loved him. After he left me, I pushed all those feelings away, and allowed myself only to think of him as a friend, because if I hadn’t done, I would never have coped. I thought they’d gone. I never realised that they were all still there, bubbling under the surface, waiting for me to need them again.

The way he was looking at me made me wonder if he was feeling the same way. And so I hesitantly asked him if he thought we ought to give our relationship another try. He took me in his arms, and told me that he did, that he’d been so tempted to ask me, to kiss me, but he thought he’d lost the right to do that. We kissed, and every bit of feeling I ever had for him came back to me. I asked him if he was totally sure that this was what he wanted. That last time, I hadn’t been enough for him, and was he sure that this time, I could be? That, after everything I’d said to him before about needing to find the right person, could he be sure that it was me? He told me that he was sorry that he’d taken such a long time to work out just what love really is, that he loved me, and that he was sure. And I felt happier than I have been in such a long time. I love him, and I want to be with him more than anything. I thought about Zeno, and that I loved her too, and I realised that the fact that I loved Wynn didn’t mean that my love for her was lessened in any way. I know that Wynn loved Rith, and I know that that doesn’t mean that his love for me is lessened. I hope, wherever Zeno is, that she is happy for me.

Of course, things can never stay perfect for long. Wynn knew he needed to talk to Rav, and to Shanora about it, as both of them had expressed an interest in him, and he wasn’t looking forward to it. He still hasn’t spoken to Shanora, but he spoke to Rav earlier, and it hit him hard. I think she really liked him, and had really hoped that they would get together one day. He came to talk to me afterwards, and he was really depressed. The two of us went to find Mathard to help him with a patrol that he was running, and Rav followed us, all the way to Immersea and back. And I felt so guilty. Guilty that my happiness came at a price. And I couldn’t walk with Wynn, or talk to him much, or touch him, because she was there, with us, watching. And on the way back home, Wynn went off, without even saying goodbye to me, and I couldn’t find him when I looked.

He probably thinks I’m mad at him, or that I’m having second thoughts about it, or maybe he’s having second thoughts about it, or he’s mad at me. I don’t know. And I don’t want to lose him again. But if he is having second thoughts, then maybe it’s better that I know now *ink mark, where the pen has rested* But the thought of losing him again, when I’ve just allowed myself to start to love again, is just horrible.

I’ll have to find him and talk to him tomorrow. Maybe he just needs a bit of time on his own. I hope so.
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Edana SeLangstra, ex-Breskie and mother of triplets. Lives in Silverymoon
Azria Saal, freed Thayan Knight
Miranda Isilme, priestess of Selune