City of Arabel

[Silverstar]

17/09/04

This entry is written on a separate piece of paper which is attached in the correct place to the diary later.

Things have been pretty difficult recently. Zenobia and I have been having some really bad arguments in the last few days. In fact, she actually gave me her ring back the other day and told me everything was off. I don't understand why we argue so much. I've never argued this much with anyone before in my life. In fact, I've never really argued at all with anyone before in my life. It seems stupid that the one person I love and I'm going to marry is the one person that I fight with, but that's the way it is. We just have such different ideas and viewpoints on absolutely everything that we really don't understand each other sometimes.

Take the other day. Zeno and I had decided that we were going to do our very best to get Anna and Wynn, if not back together, then at least friends again. It all went wrong ... they ended up fighting and storming away from each other and when Zenobia and I got back to our room, we started talking about it. We spoke about just letting them get on with it themselves, which I took to mean that we just wouldn't get involved in trying to get them back together again. Zenobia, on the other hand, wanted me to agree to just not go near them at all anymore, for any reason at all. I said that that wasn't what I wanted, that they were my friends, especially Wynn, and she just went mad. Threw her engagement ring down, told me she was sick to death of coming second to Wynn all the time and that it was all off, then she stormed off. I didn't know what to do. I ran after her, found her in the market, and she yelled at me and ran off again. I found her again out by the pond. We were both in floods of tears by this point. I tried to talk to her ... told her that she wasn't second to Wynn at all. She eventually started talking to me again, and we tried to work it all out. It turned out that Zenobia never really understood love. As far as she's concerned, love is what you feel for your lover, and that's it. Love means sleeping with someone. You don't love your family or your friends, because you don't sleep with them, and if you do, like her father did with her sister, then it's wrong and disgusting. Well, I agreed with her there, but not that you just don't love people at all. She never knew that what she feels for her friends and her family was actually love. So all this time that I've been mentioning loving people ... mentioning that I love Wynn like a brother, she's been thinking that what I mean is that I'm still in love with him and that I've been trying to jump into bed with him every five minutes and get him back.

I explained it all. I explained what love really is ... that there are all different kinds of love ... and that what we feel for each other is just one kind. She seemed quite shocked, but I think she understands now. I'm really glad we got that one sorted out before the wedding. But I really can't understand how she didn't know any of this in the first place.

Then today, again, another row. This time she wasn't angry at me, but rather at Merijan and Wynn, but we still ended up fighting a little about it. I asked her why she was so mad, and she started off by saying that it was because Merijan wouldn't listen to her and Wynn was treating her like she was still evil. Once we'd got it sorted out that that was a complete load of rubbish, she told me the real reason she was mad. Basically, when we'd been on the caravan, the two of them had kept asking me if I was ok after our fights, healing my wounds and telling me to be careful when I was scouting. Although Zeno expects everyone to spend all their time worrying about me and fussing over me and taking care of me when she's not around, when she is around, no one is allowed to do it except her, because otherwise they're pushing her out of her rightful role. I mean, what is that all about? Another thing I really don't understand. Wynn and Merijan are my friends, they wanted to make sure I was ok, and I'm perfectly happy with that. Why can't she be?

So anyway, that's why I don't have my own journal to write this entry in. We swapped diaries so that we could get some insight into each others minds and try to understand how each other thinks. Some of the things she thinks are just completely alien to me. Some of her journal is pretty upsetting. I hope she doesn't get too upset by mine. I know Wynn turns up in it all the time, and she's always funny about him. But maybe she'll start to understand how I feel about everything, and why I act as I do. And maybe when I finish reading hers, I'll be able to do the same.

One thing I really want is for Zeno and Wynn to sort out their differences. They're the two most important people in my life, for different reasons, and I just want them to get on, but they just won't. Everytime one of them is willing to be friends, the other does something to mess it up. I'm sick of being stuck in the middle. I just want them to be friends.
_________________
Edana SeLangstra, ex-Breskie and mother of triplets. Lives in Silverymoon
Azria Saal, freed Thayan Knight
Miranda Isilme, priestess of Selune

[Silverstar]

24/09/04

Zenobia fell the other day while on a caravan. There were real problems getting her raised, and I was terrified that we wouldn't be able to. I was so scared ... When we finally did, a lot of her things had been lost, and she was really upset. She's been acting a little oddly ever since, and today she sat down with me and told me that she doesn't really want to do any of this any more. The fighting and adventuring, I mean. She wants us to just settle down and buy a little farm and live a quiet, peaceful, safe life together. In some ways, it sounds wonderful, but in others ... I used to think that's what I wanted, but now ... I'm only eighteen years old, I feel a bit young to be thinking of just giving up all the excitement in my life. I mean, I know I'd have Zenobia, and we'd be really happy together, but ... we can do that anytime ... sometime further into the future when we've lived a bit more. I don't really know what to do about it. I want her to be happy, and I think I could be happy living that sort of peaceful life ... I'd just like it not to be so soon.

Zeno and Wynn are kind of friends again. They did have a really big argument which culminated in Zeno sending Wynn a horrible letter full of all kinds of accusations, and Wynn refusing to attend my wedding. I managed to get them to sit down together and talk things through, and they're almost friends again now. I'm glad. I really hate being stuck in the middle of people I love fighting.

Wynn's lovelife got stupidly complicated. He had a list of about seven girls that he believed were after him ... at least two of them had told him that they loved him. I tried to help him out, but I don't know how much he ever really listens to me. Anyway, he came and found me today, with Kurenai, and they told me that they were together. He'd mentioned the possibility of asking her yesterday, and I was .. not particularly happy about it, although I tried not to show it. She, for some reason today, wanted to ask for my permission and get my approval for the whole thing. It was really hard knowing what to say. For a start, I don't really understand why she wanted permission or whatever from me. Wynn hasn't been mine for a long time ... well, mine in that sense anyway. Plus .. well, I've found it hard being around Kurenai ever since she made things so difficult for Zeno and I when Wynn was ill. I did tell her that I wanted her to approve of me and Zeno, and after speaking to Wynn for a moment, she agreed. I don't know, she seemed different today ... less stridant and bossy, and more ... more like she actually cared what I thought and wanted me around.

I told them I was happy for them, and I am. If Kurenai continues to be as nice as she was today, then I have no problem with her and Wynn being together. I was just kind of worried that her objections to my life and my choices would mean her pushing me away from Wynn, which I'd hate. But I don't think she will ... it might even mean her and I becoming better friends, which I'd be really happy about.

Wynn introduced me to someone as his little sister today. It was really sweet. He's going away for a while to help out on Thonrica's farm, but he's promised to write and let me know how he's doing. He better had do.

Added in slightly later on in the day.

Well, Wynn's gone. We had a tearful goodbye before he left. It's silly to get so upset, seeing as he'll be back soon enough, I hope, but I'll really miss him.
_________________
Edana SeLangstra, ex-Breskie and mother of triplets. Lives in Silverymoon
Azria Saal, freed Thayan Knight
Miranda Isilme, priestess of Selune

[Silverstar]

07/10/04

The page is slightly soot-stained and dirt-streaked where Edana's arm has rested while she has been writing.

I never thought I'd end up fighting in a war. Me, Edana Lyonson, totally insignificant entity, fighting in a battle which could decide the fate of our city, if not the fate of the whole surrounding area. It's unbelievable. It's unbelievable that the home I love so much is getting battered and destroyed by people intent on pulling our lives to pieces.

I wish I could do more to help, but I'm not good enough at anything to make much of a difference anywhere. I can scout, but not really well enough to do anything useful, I guess. And my magics aren't strong enough to do much more than protect me and my friends a little. At least my archery isn't bad, although I fell the other day, and still haven't recovered my bow from the guard who took it for safekeeping, so I'm stuck using a crossbow Kurenai gave me.

Zeno is doing brilliantly, even killing a demon the other day, apparently, and I'm so proud of her. I wish I could do something to make her proud of me too, but she doesn't really even want me anywhere near the battlefield, let alone attempting any heroics. She wants us to marry soon, in a day or two, so that no matter what happens to us, we'll have been married before the end. I wish things weren't this way, but I agree with her, even though marrying on the battlefield wasn't one of her best ideas. We'll do it soon, and then when all of this is over, hopefully Arabel will still be standing, and we'll be able to celebrate a victory by holding a real wedding party for everyone.

I'm glad Wynn isn't here. He'd be out there fighting to the death if he was. I'm glad at least someone I love is safe and well out of the whole thing, even if my other friends are all here and in danger.

It feels odd standing on the battlements, firing volley after volley at the enemy, surrounded by friends and acquaintances who are becoming such heroes. I'm proud to know all of them. If people like that can't turn the tide of the battle in our favour, no one can. I'm proud to know people who will one day, if ... no ... when ... we win this battle, will be known as heroes of the city.
_________________
Edana SeLangstra, ex-Breskie and mother of triplets. Lives in Silverymoon
Azria Saal, freed Thayan Knight
Miranda Isilme, priestess of Selune

[Silverstar]

14/10/04

Well, the battle is over, and the city is still in one piece, for the most part. A great number of people lost their lives fighting though, and from what I've heard from various people around the city, we can't be sure the threat is really gone. The Zhents might be regrouping and planning another, more subtle attack sometime soon. It won't do for any of us to let our guard down completely.

Wynn's back. He missed all the fighting, which I'm glad about, although he isn't. He's still moping a fair bit, and seems depressed when I speak to him. I thought getting away would do him good, but it seems not. I don't know what else to suggest to him.

Zeno ... Zeno is driving me mad. We have such good days together, and then everything goes wrong again. She yelled at me for hours the other day for various things; mostly that I'm too nice to people that she doesn't like or are evil, and that I make decisions without consulting her about them first. She just went mad at me. All I'd done was chat to Private Bremmer, who she hates, and given away a couple of good weapons to people without asking for gold for them.

We made up, and she wrote a really sweet poem for me to say sorry. We had a lovely day yesterday, chatting about our future, and today she found me to tell me that the Baroness is back, and is insisting we hold the wedding at the Bresk estate, and is also going to make Zeno a retainer as soon as she's spoken to Bromsay and Lemir about it.

And then a little later, what does she do, but decide to invite someone that we both know is evil onto a caravan guarding job with us, without even bothering to ask my opinion on it. Wynn was coming too, but of course won't work with someone who is evil, so gets angry and walks off as Zeno is insisting that we take this woman with us. I mean, she yells and shouts at me the other day, and then goes and does the exact same thing herself two days later. One rule for me, which I agree to to make her happy, and one rule for her, allowing her to do whatever she wants. I'm sick of it. I'm sick of her doing stupid things and then saying that she did them for me. Maybe she is trying to keep me safe, but there are plenty of better ways to go about it than what she does. I don't even want to talk to her at the moment. She's made me so mad.
_________________
Edana SeLangstra, ex-Breskie and mother of triplets. Lives in Silverymoon
Azria Saal, freed Thayan Knight
Miranda Isilme, priestess of Selune

[Silverstar]

17/10/04

Well, Zeno and I made up, as we always do. Even when she does such stupid things, I can't stay mad at her for long. I hate seeing her hurting so much because I refuse to talk to her or I yell at her.

She's been made a full Bresk retainer now, and she's so happy about it. So am I. The only real problem is that she now lives at the estate, and I can't live there until we get married, which is kind of strange because we're so used to living together. Never mind, now that the Baroness is back, we can start planning the wedding properly, so hopefully it shouldn't be too long. She's really keen for us to hold it at the estate, which is what we were hoping for.

I seem to have been kind of adopted by the Bresks too, which is lovely. I wasn't sure what sort of connection I'd actually have with them, but the Baroness gave me one of her own personal dresses as a gift - a beautiful black and silver one - and she told me she loves having me around. She called me and Zeno 'her girls' earlier too, which was so sweet. I know I'm never really going to be part of the House, as such, but I'm proud and happy to be able to serve such a great lady, even in a totally unofficial capacity. She's kind of adopted Zenobia as a sister, too, which Zeno is over the moon about. That means I'm going to have a noble as a sister-in-law, in a way, which is slightly odd. Considering just how insignificant I really am.

Something else happened earlier too which made me feel very accepted, even though it is really scary. I shouldn't write about it here though, just in case someone ever finds this. I'm pretty terrified by it, but I'm determined to do what I can.
_________________
Edana SeLangstra, ex-Breskie and mother of triplets. Lives in Silverymoon
Azria Saal, freed Thayan Knight
Miranda Isilme, priestess of Selune

[Silverstar]

19/10/04

Zenobia has been acting very oddly the past few days. I went on a job with her, the Baroness, Melanie and some others the other day, and managed to get myself killed. Zenobia brought me back, but she was devastated, and blamed herself. Both the Baroness and I tried to make her see if wasn't her fault, but she wouldn't believe us.

She's just been depressed ever since. She blamed herself for Ky'ran and Shanora's deaths on another job she went on, and then we had a long talk. She was talking about leaving me to keep me safe, saying that she was useless and incompetant and couldn't protect me, but there was one thing that she could do, for me and for Natassia. I can't even write about what she wanted to do, not here, but suffice to say, it involved her sacrificing herself - dying, to protect me.

She seemed happier today, joking around and laughing with me, and she talked to me a little about it. Whatever it was that has made her feel better, I'm glad. But I'm still a little scared. What if she does decide to go? She promised me she'd never leave me. She promised me she'd never break her promises. But I know just how much promises are worth sometimes. If she really feels that is the right thing to do, she'll do it no matter what.

If she leaves, I'm going with her. Doesn't matter where. Even into death. I don't tell her often enough how much she means to me. I never loved anyone so much in my life before. I used to think Wynn was the love of my life, but he wasn't. Not in the slightest. Zeno is. And the sooner we get our wedding organised, the better. I can't wait to be her wife.

On a sidenote, Private Bremmer seems to have taken a liking to me, which I don't think is a good thing. He keeps stopping to say hello to me everytime he sees me, asking how I am and complimenting me. He was talking to me today and I had to leave to go to meet the Baroness, and he followed me, asking what was wrong. Zeno hates me talking to him, and keeps threatening to write to the warden to complain that he's harassing me. He's not, really, he's just being friendly, but it upsets her so I'm trying to keep it to a minimum.
_________________
Edana SeLangstra, ex-Breskie and mother of triplets. Lives in Silverymoon
Azria Saal, freed Thayan Knight
Miranda Isilme, priestess of Selune

[Silverstar]

Tacked on to the last entry slightly later on in the day.

However, of course, the fact that I love Zeno more than life itself doesn't mean she doesn't drive me mad. I swear, if she mentions Natassia one more time today, I'm going to hit her. The Baroness is a wonderful lady, and I'm very pleased that she and Zenobia get on so well, and that we're part of her following, but I mean ... when I'm sitting with my fiancee, trying to plan our wedding, I'd really rather not have "Well, Sis says ... ", "I was talking to Sis ... ", "At the wedding, Sis will be ... " every two sentences. This wedding is supposed to be about me and Zeno, not me, Zeno and Natassia. I even mentioned the wonderful life we were going to have, and she said something like "Yeah, it'll be wonderful. Just you, me and Sis."

She'd better not dare pull a Wynn on me. I want to like Natassia. I want us to be good friends. I want this whole thing to be great. But if Zenobia is going to get so obsessed with Natassia that she becomes more important to her than I am, I don't know what I'll do.

Should I say something to Zeno? I really don't know. Maybe she'll just think I'm being jealous and petty, and hypocritical because of my relationship with Wynn, but then, that was different. Yes, I used to talk about Wynn, but that was as my feelings for him were slowly fading and changing, and I was trying to work things out, and the more I fell in love with Zeno, the less I mentioned him. Zenobia, on the other hand, seems to becoming more and more obsessed with Natassia. And I don't like it.
_________________
Edana SeLangstra, ex-Breskie and mother of triplets. Lives in Silverymoon
Azria Saal, freed Thayan Knight
Miranda Isilme, priestess of Selune

[Silverstar]

20/10/04

I lay in bed all last night thinking about what I should do about it all, and ended up coming to the conclusion that I was being ridiculous and unfair to Zenobia. She's so happy and she's finally got what she wanted after so long, and all I do is get jealous and try to ruin it for her. I can hardly blame her for getting so excited about getting her dream, can I?

I guess I just felt a little worried about it after Wynn and everything. I've already been through one situation where my lover eventually tells me that they are actually in love with their best friend, rather than me. I just couldn't bear it if Zenobia did the same. I refused to believe that Wynn might possibly be thinking about leaving me for so long, and then he did. I guess I just worry about it now the moment I think it's remotely possible.

I talked to her a little about it this morning, and apologised. She assured me that, while she loved Natassia as a sister, I was the person she was in love with, and she couldn't wait for our wedding. She promised me that although Natassia would be around, our life would be for the two of us, just us. I'm just not used to having to share Zenobia, I guess. She's been mine and only mine for so long that it's odd that there's a part of her life I can't share now.

Maybe once I move to the estate and I get to know Natassia better, I'll find things easier. I mean, I am involved, and Zenobia is planning to find all kinds of things that I can do with her and Natassia so that I can get to know her better. It's stupid to get so worked up about it. I can sit here and think about it rationally, and realise that there isn't ever going to be anything between them like that, and that there is no reason why Zenobia shouldn't be allowed to have a best friend as well as a lover. I had one. Maybe I'm jealous of that too. Considering my best friend doesn't seem interested and is refusing to even speak to Zenobia anymore. I guess I've lost him. And I'm feeling pretty lonely.

It's all very silly and I need to snap out of it. I will, soon enough, I hope. It's not fair on my love if I don't. So I will. Right now. No more being jealous for stupid reasons. That's it. I'm fine.
_________________
Edana SeLangstra, ex-Breskie and mother of triplets. Lives in Silverymoon
Azria Saal, freed Thayan Knight
Miranda Isilme, priestess of Selune

[Silverstar]

21/10/04

My mind is pretty much at rest now. Zeno spoke about Natassia a little today, but it didn't bother me because she was being so sweet and affectionate to me that I really couldn't even think that she might prefer Natassia. We spent most of the day just the two of us, and eventually went for a bath in the newly refurbished Pride, as we hadn't checked it out yet.

We're going to go and do some research together later in the library about various important matters. I'm not going to be much use helping out with the important things we're involved in if I don't really know much about what we're up against. Hopefully the librarian will be able to help me out.

Apparently, Natassia has offered to pay for our wedding for us. Which is really sweet. She's already providing the venue and I'm assuming Bromsay will do the ceremony, so I'm not sure what else there is to pay for, but it's great of her to do that. I really hope this turns out to be a wonderful day. Lots of people seem thrilled for us, and really keen to come, so we should get a good turnout. So much for the small, quiet, private little wedding we planned originally, but Zeno says Natassia wants to make an event of it, and I really don't mind. I think it'll be lovely.

I'm just hoping I can talk Wynn into being involved. Obviously we're not going to be having a traditional wedding, and I think probably instead of having bridesmaids or whatever as such, we'll probably pick a sort of companion each to stand with us as we say our vows. Zeno's will obviously be Natassia, and I'd love it if Wynn agreed to do the same for me, but I'm pretty sure he'll say no. I'm pretty sure he'll say he's not even coming, now that he's fallen out with Zeno yet again. But I guess there's no harm in asking. I haven't a clue who I'll ask if he does say no. I'll probably just stand on my own. It doesn't really matter, I guess. So long as I'm with Zeno, I'll be fine.
_________________
Edana SeLangstra, ex-Breskie and mother of triplets. Lives in Silverymoon
Azria Saal, freed Thayan Knight
Miranda Isilme, priestess of Selune

[Silverstar]

24/10/04

The writing is slightly smudged in various places where the page has become damp.

I've never understood why people can't just get on with other people. I always try to, not matter what people do to me. Maybe I'm just weak for not standing up for myself and what I believe in, but the only thing that really matters to me is the people I love, and all I ever want to do is make them happy. Why does it always go wrong?

I asked Wynn if he'd stand with me at my wedding. I was fully expecting him to say no, because the last time Zenobia and he were angry with each other, he told me he was no longer coming to the wedding. I was really surprised and happy when he said yes. I couldn't think of anything I wanted more than to be able to stand there on my wedding day with the love of my life on one side of me, and the man I call a brother on the other.

I went to tell Zeno. And she went mad. She knew I was going to ask him, and I thought she'd be pleased that he'd said yes, but she wasn't. She'd been hoping all along that he'd say no. She knew what I'd said beforehand; that this was going to be make or break for me and him, and that if he'd said no, I'd have given up. And she'd be wanting him to say no so that I'd give up on him completely. She just can't bear me being so close to someone that thinks so little of her and she's always had problems with me being close to Wynn. She gave me an ultimatum; that if Wynn was standing there next to me in front of the altar on our wedding day, then she wouldn't be. She told me she didn't want me seeing him anymore, that although she was friends with and liked that old Wynn, the one that used to be friends with us, she just couldn't deal with the new one. And I had to choose, him or her.

What was I supposed to do? I can't lose Zenobia. I love her more than anything in the world, and although I love Wynn too, she has to be number one. I wrote him a letter, explaining what I had to do, and telling him that if he could make things up with Zeno, then we could still be friends, but if he couldn't, I had to say goodbye. I spent hours writing it, trying to get the wording just right, trying to make him see just how hard all of this was for me. I showed it to Zenobia before I sent it, hoping desperately that she'd tell me she'd changed her mind, that I didn't have to send it after all, but she didn't. So I took it to the Night Wolf and left it for him.

He found me a little later. I'd be trying to avoid him, hoping that he'd take some time to think about it, but he found me. I hoped and prayed that he'd come and say that he was willing to make things up with Zeno, but he didn't. I knew he wouldn't. It didn't stop me hoping though. All he said was that it had been great being my friend while it lasted, that he'd send on the shield he was making for me to give to Zeno on to me when it was finished, and goodbye. He didn't even wait for me to tell him that of course I didn't expect him to keep making the shield. I don't know what I'm going to do when it arrives.

I was so determined that I wasn't going to let it get to me, that I was going to be strong because I was doing this for Zenobia, but I just couldn't. I ran out of the city, up to the Bresk estate, and just cried and cried. Zenobia found me there, and tried to comfort me. She helped some. At least I know she'd happy, and that means the world to me. It made her sad that I was so upset, but she believes I've done the right thing.

I wish I could be so sure. I know all the things that Zenobia hates about him. He's changed so much since the days when he and I were together. He's no longer willing to forgive mistakes like he used to. He's just so angry all the time. I remember the day he made me forgive Zenobia for attempting to murder him. I didn't want to, but he insisted, and I couldn't keep on being angry with her when he wasn't. Now he won't forgive her for anything. He's rude and dismissive of people and so stubborn that he just won't take any notice of the way other people think about things sometimes. Sometimes it annoys me too, and I feel angry at him and don't want to be near him. But still ... He was my best friend. He was the person who looked after me when I first arrived here, and he made me feel at home. He was here for me when I needed him. We had such great times together. He's my big brother.

I always put one hundred percent effort into my relationship with him. I'm not sure he always wanted me there, and after we split up, it was so hard trying to carry on being such good friends with him, but I managed it, and we became close in a different way. I always kind of thought that he and Zenobia could just exchange places in my life. I guess that was always a stupid idea that was never going to work. I tried so hard to make everything good and happy and make things work, but it seems I just couldn't.

What am I going to do now? I have Zenobia, I'll always have Zenobia, and I'm so glad about that. She means the world to me. But I need other people too. Zeno has so many friends. Natassia is as close to her and Wynn was to me. She has all the Bresk household as her friends. She has Theo and Kel; Kel has even asked her to be maid of honour at their wedding. She has so many good friends. And who do I have? Just her. All my time has been spent making my relationships with her and Wynn work, and I put so much effort into it that I didn't leave room for anyone else. I don't have anyone else. And it's such a lonely feeling to know that now there is only one person in my life that I can really trust and rely on. Even if she is the love of my life.

I wish this never had to happen. I wish I'd never been put into a position where I had to choose. I couldn't not choose Zenobia, but I'm going to miss him so much. I hoped so much that he would value my friendship enough to be willing to try to work things out, but it seems he didn't. When he spoke to me, he didn't even seem that bothered. He was calm and almost emotionless. Maybe keeping our friendship going was always more important to me than to him. Maybe he really isn't upset by it. And that really hurts. I remember him telling me how much it hurt him when Anna didn't seem to be bothered by the fact that he was leaving the city. And it hurts me that he isn't bothered by this. I think I'll always hope that one day we can work this out and be friends again, but I doubt it. Even if Zeno changes her mind, I doubt Wynn will have anything to do with me again. He'll think I've betrayed him and left him like everyone else does, and maybe I have. I wish I could be like Zenobia and Wynn, and have real strong principles that I believe in to the exclusion of everything else, but I just don't. All I want is a good life with my love and my friends, and it never works.

Zenobia knows that I was upset by this, but she tried to cheer me up and it helped a little. I don't want her to know that it's affected me so much. I did it for her, to make her happy, and if she knows how unhappy I am, she won't be happy, and the whole point of doing this will be gone. I hope I can convince her I'm ok. I hope I'll be ok. Maybe soon I'll deal with it and get over it. Maybe. I should harden my heart. I shouldn't let myself get so upset by things. I should stop loving people so much. I'll try.

But my heart hurts.
_________________
Edana SeLangstra, ex-Breskie and mother of triplets. Lives in Silverymoon
Azria Saal, freed Thayan Knight
Miranda Isilme, priestess of Selune

[Silverstar]

25/10/04

Zeno apparently tried to make things up with Wynn again today, but he still wouldn't listen. She even begged him, from what she said, and Zeno never begs anyone. Except me. But he's not interested.

We spent a little time patrolling with the Baroness today. We found some smugglers guarding barrels of poison. Although we tried to take them alive, we failed, and they all died, so we weren't able to find out what was going on. I'm a little scared by it. There was a lot of poison there. What if they'd been planning to use it on the water supplies or something? Maybe it's the Zhents again?

Zeno kept contradicting Natassia while we were out, and Natassia told me to tell her that she couldn't have Zeno doing that in public anymore. I understand why. Zeno might be her sister in private, but in public, she's her employee, and she can't start telling the Baroness what to do. Trouble is, she got really upset when I spoke to her about it, and now thinks that Natassia is about to fire her. I don't think she is, but Zenobia won't believe me.

Wynn sent me a messenger a little later. He sent me the shield he's made for Zeno. It's beautiful ... he must have worked really hard on it. I asked a dwarf to say thank you to him for me, and to tell him I'm really sorry. I was going to wait until the wedding to give it to her, but now things are the way they are, I think I'll give it to her tomorrow. Maybe it'll at least make her realise that Wynn can't hate her as much as she thinks if he was willing to put such an effort into making that for her.
_________________
Edana SeLangstra, ex-Breskie and mother of triplets. Lives in Silverymoon
Azria Saal, freed Thayan Knight
Miranda Isilme, priestess of Selune

[Silverstar]

28/10/04

Wynn sent me a letter yesterday, laying out all of the reasons that he couldn't bring himself to make things up with Zeno, and telling me that he'd always love me, but this was goodbye forever. I cried over it, and then decided that I'd make one last effort to get things worked out. I sat down and wrote him a reply, pouring out everything that I could think of to explain why Zeno is the way she is, and begging him to give her one last chance. I didn't for one moment expect him to listen to me, but I couldn't give up without making a final effort. I left it for him at the Night Wolf.

Zeno and I were at the Bresk estate a little later, and heard an announcement put out by him. It simply said "Edana, I'll try. Wynn". I have no clue what I managed to put in that letter to change his mind, but I am so glad it worked. The three of us spent a time together at the estate this mornng, and it was really nice. Zeno and Wynn seemed to be getting on pretty well. We were joking about how Wynn is going to be my bridesmaid at the wedding, and how we'd need to find him a pretty dress to wear for the occasion.

Wynn told us that he's spoken to Anna, and that the two of them had worked things out and had decided to try again. I'm so pleased about that. Maybe he really will finally be happy. I hope that this time, they're both willing to really work at it, and don't decide to give up the moment things get difficult.

Wynn gave me a beautiful dress this morning that has some kind of protection enchantment on it, against electricity as far as I could tell. Apparantly, Anna found it in a warehouse and gave it to him, and he thought I'd get more use out of it than he would. It's gorgeous, but oddly enough it's in Bresk colours, I believe, or if not, it's close enough to be mistaken for that pretty easily. I don't know why it'd be in those colours, As far as I'm aware, none of the Bresk retainers really wear dresses, and not to be wandering around in a warehouse, certainly. And I don't know of anyone but me who Natassia has allowed to wear silver and black and not be a retainer. I could be wrong though. I don't know what she has allowed or not allowed. I'm wondering, though, whether someone else has been trying to impersonate a retainer. I'll show it to her and have a word with her the next time I see her.

Zenobia seems happy enough with the whole Wynn situation. She went through a slight panic yesterday when we heard the sending, worrying about whether we'd done the right thing and if he'd hurt her again, but I promised that I wouldn't let him, and she promised me she'd do her very best to try to make this work. She seemed perfectly at ease with him today.

I'm glad things seem like they're going to be good again.
_________________
Edana SeLangstra, ex-Breskie and mother of triplets. Lives in Silverymoon
Azria Saal, freed Thayan Knight
Miranda Isilme, priestess of Selune

[Silverstar]

29/10/04

We came across something a little strange on patrol this morning. One of the caves just south of the city, near the estate, was surrounded by these glowing green lights, and there was blood on the ground. We went inside to have a quick look around and found more lights, but nothing else. Zeno reported it, but apparently the Dragons already knew about it and were investigating. I wonder what it was?

I enjoy the patrols that we do with Natassia, checking out the lands surrounding the Bresk estate. I rarely get to see her, and with Zeno being so close to her, I don't like not really knowing her very well. She's often too busy to really talk to about anything, so these patrols give me a bit of opportunity to chat to her a little, which is nice. She usually has to rush off again as soon as we're done, so I ought to make the most of them.

Seems that Bromsay and Zeno have been planning a party for our wedding. Bromsay seemed pretty excited by it, which was great. Zeno says that this will be the first big party they've held at the estate, and Natassia and Bromsay really want to make it a good one. And it's for us. I can't believe a noble is throwing a party for me. And is going to be standing at the altar with Zeno and me. It's very odd. But lovely.
_________________
Edana SeLangstra, ex-Breskie and mother of triplets. Lives in Silverymoon
Azria Saal, freed Thayan Knight
Miranda Isilme, priestess of Selune

[Silverstar]

Well, the wedding is postponed, again, as the Baroness is ill. Not sure when she'll be better, so we can't really plan anything, but at least I've got Zeno's ring made now. Wynn made it, and it's beautiful. I really hope she likes it.

Yesterday was a little weird. We'd had a really good day, and then Zenobia decided to go back to the estate to relax a bit, and I headed to the market, looking for something to do. I got chatting to Terenia and another woman who introduced herself as Vera, and we were standing together in one of the sheds when Nogmar came up, spotted the three of us, then turned to the other people in the market and announced that the Miss Arabel Beauty Contest would be starting shortly. We all thought it was really funny, and started planning how we could get judges and more contestants. A woman named Grunda also wanted to join in, and got a little overly keen, convinced she was going to win. I jokingly suggested we put out a sending asking for more people, and she went running off to do it, mentioning my name in the sending.

Five minutes later, Zeno came storming into the market and practically dragged me out of there and over to the Dragon. I was so embarrassed. She started yelling at me, asking me what in the hells I thought I was doing, flaunting myself in front of so many men, and didn't I have any kind of respect for her at all? I don't know what was wrong with her. I was only having a joke with my friends. She then told me to 'put a decent dress on and get back outside'. I was wearing the dress the Baroness gave me, one that Zeno really likes, but she told me that she 'wasn't in the mood right now' and that she would be getting me some decent dresses to wear as it seemed at the moment that I wanted to show half my chest off to any man who cared to leer at me.

I really don't understand her sometimes. She even started talking about making me wear a veil in public to prove to everyone that I was hers and no one else was allowed to touch me. What was all that about? I'm getting a little sick of it. She's making me feel stifled, and she can be so controlling sometimes. She doesn't like me talking to other people; in fact, there are only two men in the whole of Arabel that I can talk to without her getting mad, and that's Wynn and Bromsay. Anyone else, and she accuses me of flirting. She hates most of my clothes, and now I'm not even allowed to joke around about things.

I tried to talk to her a little about it, but she got physically sick at the thought of any man thinking about me, or her, in a romantic way. I don't know what's that's all about, but I'm guessing it stems from her father. I wish I knew how to help her deal with that, but I can't think of a way.

Today was better. She heard me talking about her in the market, and asked me to go to the inn with her and talk to her. She hugged me and apologised, saying that she'd been convinced I was trying to hide the fact that I was engaged to her, but now she oculd see I wasn't.

I hope this is sorted out now. I hate being controlled and told what to do and made to be someone that I'm not. She fell in love with me the way I am, so I don't understand why all of a sudden she wants to change me. Surely if you love someone, you love them for the person they are, not the person you want them to be?
_________________
Edana SeLangstra, ex-Breskie and mother of triplets. Lives in Silverymoon
Azria Saal, freed Thayan Knight
Miranda Isilme, priestess of Selune

[Silverstar]

21/11/04

I found out today that Zeno and Wynn and some others went off on a mission the other day and nearly got killed during an ambush by Drow. Zeno wasn't even going to tell me about it, except that I noticed all the fresh scars on her body, and gave her no choice. I can't bear it. She goes off all the time, trying to save the world, and one day she's not going to come back. And my whole life would come crashing down around my ears.

It wouldn't be so bad if she'd just take me with her, let me be there and help her and protect her the best I can, but she doesn't. She goes when I'm busy, and doesn't always even tell me about it. I hate it. I hate it I hate it I hate it.

I've been thinking the past few days, after Zeno and I had a talk a little while ago. We'd been discussing her position as a retainer to the Bresks, and she asked me if I'd ever wanted to become one. I'd said no, but the more I thought about it, the more the idea has been growing on me. I know that Natassia doesn't want me right now, and that the House has enough employees and that I haven't got any kind of useful skills, but still ... maybe one day. I think I'd like that. I'd be able to work for someone I really admire and like, and I'd actually be useful for once in my life. And I'd be there for Zeno when she needed me, instead of being kept out of anything important because it's "House business". I'd be able to help her and watch out for her and be there. Maybe the next time I see Natassia, I'll talk to her about the possibility, and see whether she'd even consider it. Maybe she'll just laugh at me. After all, retainers are chosen because of their usefulness and their abilities, and I don't really have any of that. But I do have loyalty, and if I was given a mission, I'd carry it out to the bitter end. It can't hurt to ask. She can only say no, and I'd be no worse off that I am now. And Zeno thinks it's a good idea.

Had a very close encounter with some Drow this morning in the platinum mine Zeno, Bromsay and I have been working in. If I hadn't had the extremely lucky escape I did, I'd be dead. I'm never going in there again.

I'm making Zeno a present to give to her on our wedding day. It's not something I've ever tried before, so I hope she likes it. I think she will.
_________________
Edana SeLangstra, ex-Breskie and mother of triplets. Lives in Silverymoon
Azria Saal, freed Thayan Knight
Miranda Isilme, priestess of Selune