City of Arabel

[Silverstar]

27/07/04

I think I'm developing a severe case of paranoia, which is aided eagerly by spending so much time with Zenobia. I never used to worry about whether Wynn wants me anymore before I started spending time with her, and now I seem to be wondering about it all the time. We were talking to him earlier and he seemed kind of distracted, so Zenobia, of course, decided to start going on at him about it. He told us that he'd had this sick feeling in his stomach ever since talking to Val earlier, and Zenobia wouldn't just let it alone. She kept on at him until he sat down with us and started trying to explain.

He told us that he didn't know why he was feeling so odd. He'd been talking to Val about Theo and she'd been trying to persuade him to make it up with him. He said that maybe that was why he was feeling strange, but I can't imagine that it was. He and Theo have been at each others throats for months, so there's no reason why he'd suddenly start feeling weird about it now.

He also mentioned that Val had lent him the rest of the money so that he could go out and buy the tunic we've been saving up for. That's when the thought flashed across my mind that maybe, just maybe, he was feeling so sick about the thought that he was now able to buy the tunic that he was going to wear to marry me, because he really didn't want to anymore. I don't know why I think these things. I've got no reason to. Zenobia didn't help, of course, by insisting the moment he'd gone that he was acting shifty and dodging her questions. I hadn't thought he was, but she gets some funny ideas in her head sometimes. She seems to have decided that, as I've made it perfectly clear that there's never going to be anything romantic between us, that she's going to turn into my older brother instead, and keep an eye on Wynn at all times to make sure he's not doing anything dodgy. Like he would be. I mean, this is Wynn we're talking about here.

Is it normal to worry about things all the time like I seem to be? I've never been in a relationship like this before .. so I don't know whether everyone worries about how things are going all the time, or if it's just me. Deep down, I know that things are ok, and Wynn's fine. I know he'd tell me if anything was wrong. He's a good man, and he never wants to hurt me. I guess ... I guess part of this paranoia stems from knowing what my father was like, and knowing how easily he just left my mother when she needed him. Wynn's not like that ... I know that ... but no matter how much I know it in my head, my heart still worries. It's stupid. I wish it would just stop. Poor Wynn ... he's got a million and one worries at the moment, and all I can do is think about how it affects me. I'm so selfish.

Weird happenings last night, too. I was just walking through the centre of the city towards the tailor's shop, when I heard this voice whispering things in my ear. I looked around, and there was no one there. The voice was saying things like, was I scared of the dark, and what would I do if all the lights went out? It's freaked me out, I can tell you. I just walked as fast and as calmly as I could towards the market, and more people. Maybe I imagined it all, but it was really creepy at the time. Weird.
_________________
Edana SeLangstra, ex-Breskie and mother of triplets. Lives in Silverymoon
Azria Saal, freed Thayan Knight
Miranda Isilme, priestess of Selune

[Silverstar]

28/07/04

Much of the page is tearstained and occasionally a word has become illegible.

Seems my case of paranoia wasn't paranoia at all.

I don't know ... I think I might have lost him. We went for a walk today ... and when we were sitting by the pond, he told me ... he told me ... that when he had been at the Banite temple, right before he died ... his last thoughts weren't of me ... but of Anna.

He told me he loved her ... he thought he'd always loved her ... large tearstain. ... He says he loves me too ... he doesn't know how he feels ... who he wants .. I asked him if everything we'd had together had been him trying to pretend he didn't love Anna ... and he said it hadn't. I asked him how things could have changed. He had told me we were soulmates ... how could that change? He didn't answer me ... just stared out over the pond. I asked him how he could possibly let everything we'd planned for just fall to pieces. He didn't answer, then got up and told me he needed some time to think, then he left.

I can't believe this ... he promised me so much ... he promised me he'd never leave me ... that he'd always love me. Why did he spend so much time planning his future with me if he never meant any of it? The thought of losing it all ... of losing him ... I can't bear it ...

Zeno found me out by the pond in tears, and tried to comfort me. How could she, though? The only person who can do that is Wynn, and he won't. She took me back to the city. We met Wynn on the way back in, and Zeno punched him. I tried to stop her, but she just wouldn't leave him alone. Eventually, someone pulled her off him, and she yelled at him to get out of her sight. He did. I wanted him to stop ... wanted him to turn round and look at me ... talk to me ... but he didn't.

Zeno took me to the Traveller, and I think I got very drunk. I ... don't really remember much of it.

I woke up in a bed in the Traveller with Zeno sitting watching me. After being sick a few times, and refusing to come out from under the bedclothes, she eventually cajoled me to come out and talk to her. We talked for a while about it, and she understands, but she wants me to just forget him ... give in and abandon everything. I can't do that. I need to wait for him ... wait for him to talk to me .. to tell me how he feels. I can't just give up my whole life. Even if he tells me he chooses Anna, I'm not sure I can let go. He is my whole life now. Without him, I can't see any kind of future.

Seems I'm more like my mother than I ever thought I was. I thought she was stupid for loving my father after he abandoned her, but now ... look at me. I don't think I could ever stop loving Wynn ... no matter what he does to me. At least there's no child involved this time .. although ... I think my mother found comfort in having me around. I think I'd find comfort in having a part of Wynn around. I already love the children we were going to have. I wish ... I wish ... The writing trails off.
_________________
Edana SeLangstra, ex-Breskie and mother of triplets. Lives in Silverymoon
Azria Saal, freed Thayan Knight
Miranda Isilme, priestess of Selune

[Silverstar]

29/07/04

Scribbled frantically across the page.

Wynn doesn't want me anymore ... he doesn't love me anymore ... my heart is broken into a million pieces ... I don't think I can bear this ...
_________________
Edana SeLangstra, ex-Breskie and mother of triplets. Lives in Silverymoon
Azria Saal, freed Thayan Knight
Miranda Isilme, priestess of Selune

[Silverstar]

30/07/04

Today has been so hard, but somehow ... easier than I thought it would be.

I know Zenobia stayed with me when I fell asleep last night, but she wasn't there when I woke up. What I was afraid of happened .. I dreamt about Wynn while I was asleep, and for a few seconds after I woke up, everything was alright again, until I remembered. I left the room as quickly as I could, knowing that I needed to talk to him ... that until I'd spoken to him and he'd tried to help me understand, I had no chance at all of getting over it. I told Zenobia and she tried to talk me out of it, saying that she could help me understand, and that I didn't need to talk to him ... I shouldn't talk to him. I told her I had to, and she got angry and walked away. I tried to follow her, but she ignored me, so I just went to look for Wynn instead.

I couldn't find him anywhere, so I eventually went to put out an announcement asking him to meet me in the market when he could. I waited there for a while, and eventually saw him walk past, but he didn't stop. I thought ... I thought that it was because he couldn't bear to talk to me, but I ran after him, and he told me he had almost been killed, he was in pain, and he needed to rest. I realised that talking with me was unlikely to be high on his list of priorities anymore, so I apologised, and went to sit back in the market.

After a while, he came to find me, and we went to sit in the Traveller. I apologised for being the one to tell Anna, and for making him come and talk to me. I told him that I just needed him to sit with me and help me understand what had happened. I knew that if I didn't, I'd never be able to leave it alone, like picking at a wound, over and over. I just ... I just needed to know whether everything that we had had together had been a lie ... an illusion .. because if it had, that would break my heart far more than his love simply fading, because then I'd know that he'd lied to me, and he'd always known that he was going to end up hurting me, and had done it anyway. He promised me that it hadn't been ... that he still loved me, but that love had changed. That he loved me, but he couldn't give me the life I wanted anymore. That I deserved someone who could give me their whole heart.

I made him cry again. I wish I hadn't. In a way, I wish that he would just sit there and take everything I say stony-faced, but if he did, he wouldn't be my Wynn. Even after everything, I hate to see him cry. I wasn't sure if I should ... if he'd let me ... but I reached over and hugged him. He hugged me back, and holding him in my arms, even for a few moments, was so wonderful.

I know ... I don't want to admit it ... but I know he's right. I said that him loving Anna didn't matter .. that any piece of his heart would be enough ... but after having him love me so much for so long, it wouldn't be enough. I'd always want more ... more than he could give, and it would end up hurting both of us. It's just so hard to let him go ... to let the life that we'd planned go ... to know that I'm never again going to be able to look into his eyes and see how much he loves me ... to hold him in my arms and feel like having him there makes everything better ... to kiss him and smile at him and comfort him when he's sad. He's been my whole life for so long that losing him is like losing a piece of my heart.

I know I've got to just let him go. I know I do. I know... I'm trying so hard. But a part of me is clinging on, refusing to give up. It's stupid. I know he's never going to come back to me.

I'm glad he still loves me a little, even if it isn't the way he used to. At least I know that I'm still a little bit important to him, even if not as much as I used to be. He asked me if we could be friends, and I said I'd try ... I still want him to be part of my life even if he can't be the whole of it anymore. I want to be friends with him .. even if it does hurt.

Poor Zenobia has been trying and trying with me ... trying to get me to stop hurting. I know that she loves me, and that she'll be here for me. I wish she could stop me hurting, but she can't. She does help though. She makes me smile and she tries to take my mind off things. I'm glad that I've got someone who still cares about me, at least.

One thing I've learned out of all this mess. Don't trust people any more than you have to. People lie ... people break promises ... people hurt you no matter how much you love them ... and no matter how sure you are that they would never do anything to hurt you, they always do, whether they mean to or not. I'm never going to listen to anyone make promises to me again ... it hurts too much when they break them.
_________________
Edana SeLangstra, ex-Breskie and mother of triplets. Lives in Silverymoon
Azria Saal, freed Thayan Knight
Miranda Isilme, priestess of Selune

[Silverstar]

31/07/04

OOC: None of this actually happened in-game, as I was unable to play at all today. However, for those who are interested, this is what Edana was doing while I was busy with work. Basically, moping and feeling sorry for herself. Not much different from usual.

I woke up this morning and just couldn't bear to stay in Arabel any more. There's just too much around that reminds me of Wynn ... I keep seeing people who have his colour hair, or wear clothes like his ... or someone says something to me that brings back a memory of when things were good ... and it just squeezes my heart everytime it happens. And on the odd occasion that I actually see him ... well, I'm torn between flinging myself at his feet and begging him to love me again, or simply running away so I don't have to see his face. Any dignity I once had has gone right out of the window. I figured if I could get away from the city for a while, maybe I could start to think straight, without all the constant reminders and people talking about it.

I decided to just pack up some things and sneak out of the city. All that practise in Waterdeep makes sneaking around and hiding from people pretty easy, especially when I'm as determined as I was today. I took my bedroll, some food, and things for making a fire, and crept out, managing not to be spotted by anyone. I know Zenobia is going to be angry at me for not telling her I was going, but I knew that if I did, she'd insist on coming with me, and I just need some time on my own. I thought about leaving her a note, but I knew she'd only follow me as soon as she found it, so I decided not to. I hope she can forgive me when I get back. No one else would really care ... I'm sure Wynn wouldn't mind. It'll probably be easier on him if he doesn't have to see me for a while.

I just kind of wandered in the wilds for a bit, thinking about things. I know it's stupidly dangerous to just go wandering around on my own ... but to be honest, I don't really care anymore. If something happened and I fell, I think I'd just beg Tymora not to send me back. It would probably make things easier on everyone. I wouldn't have to feel so bad anymore, and everyone else could just move on. I'm sure at least Zenobia would grieve for me, but she'd get over it, and then she could find someone who could really feel the same way about her as she does about them. Nothing happened, anyway. I saw a few deer and a couple of wild boars, and I did spot a wolf pack a way away, but I managed to avoid pretty much anything too dangerous.

When it started to get dark, I stumbled on a small cave in a hillside. I crept in to check whether there was anything in there, but it seemed dry and clean ... well, as clean as a cave can be, anyway ... and empty. No animal tracks or anything as far as I can see. I set up my bedroll in there and built a small fire at the mouth of the cave, and sat there for a while, just staring into the flames, thinking.

I still don't know what to do. I thought my talk with Wynn yesterday would make things easier ... that, if he could make me understand what has happened, I would be able to make sense of things and come to feel that what had happened was a good thing. In some ways it did help, when I can bring myself to think logically about the situation. Logically, I know that if Wynn can't love me the way I want him to, then being with him is not a good thing for anyone. Logically, I know that he can't help how he feels about Anna, and doesn't feel about me, and that he's done the right thing by telling me. Logically, I know that it's far better that this happened now, than if it happened in five years time when we were married and had started a family, and then he left.

Trouble is, my heart isn't ruled by logic. My heart tells me that being with Wynn in any way, with any amount of his heart is better than not being with him. My heart keeps saying that after everything he said to me, and did for me, he can't possibly just not feel the same anymore, and that if he just had never told me about Anna, things would have been fine. My heart says to me that if this had happened in five years time, I'd have had another five years with him, and I would have his children there to comfort me and to be my part of him when he was gone.

I've just got so many regrets. I wish I'd made the most of being with him when he still wanted me, instead of believing that I had my whole life ahead of me to be with him, so spending so much time away from him. I wish I'd told him more often how much he meant to me. I wish ... I wish I'd made love to him when I had the chance, instead of being so scared of doing something wrong that I put it off, thinking that it would be better to wait, and that we had plenty of time. I know none of this would have made him still want me, but at least I would have more memories, good memories.

It's so stupid. It's almost like he's died ... only in some ways, worse. When the Banites killed him, I grieved so hard, but I knew ... well, I thought I knew ... that he loved me when he died, and that if he'd had any choice, he wouldn't have gone. Now I know that his leaving was his choice ... and it's so hard.

I thought a lot about Zenobia, and tried to work out what I should do. I know how much she loves me ... she's even asked me if I would ever be with her now that Wynn and I are no longer together. I promised her I would think about it, but I really don't know. At the moment, I can't imagine being with anyone other than Wynn, and even if I could, I've never felt that way about a woman. I love Zeno ... but not in the way I loved Wynn ... in the way I love Wynn. I love her because she's my best friend, and I don't know if I'll ever be able to love her the way she wants me to. I did consider that maybe ... I can't have the life I want, with Wynn, anymore ... so, if I'm never going to be able to love someone like I love Wynn, I should just let Zenobia have what she so desperately wants, and pretend that I love her as she wants me to. It would make her happy, at least. And someone needs to come out happy from all this mess. I don't think that I'll ever be happy, but if Wynn has Anna, he'll be happy, and if I can make Zeno happy, that's something. But what if I can't? What if she realises I'm pretending? I don't think I could do that to her. No ... it's such a bad idea. I'll just have to leave it, and if I can't love her how she wants me to, at least then she'll be free to find someone who can.

I'm now curled up in my bedroll, watching the dying embers of my fire, and still thinking. It has been easier to think out here, but I'm still thinking the same thoughts. Maybe I'll stay another day. Maybe I'll head back to the city tomorrow. I don't know. I'll see how I feel when I wake up. Either way, the way I feel won't change.
_________________
Edana SeLangstra, ex-Breskie and mother of triplets. Lives in Silverymoon
Azria Saal, freed Thayan Knight
Miranda Isilme, priestess of Selune

[Silverstar]

01/08/04

OOC: Again, this didn’t happen in game.

I was wrong yesterday. I did wake up feeling a little different from the way I had been. I woke up feeling angry. At everything.

Angry at Anna for being the person that Wynn loves, when he had once been like that with me. For lying to me and breaking her promise to me … I realised that she hadn’t for one moment wanted me and Wynn back together, and all that time that she was trying to comfort me and tell me everything was going to be alright and would go back to the way it was, she was obviously not intending to help me at all. I can’t believe I thanked her for being there for me, and trying to help me. I can’t believe I was so grateful to her for supporting me. Another person who makes a promise to me and then doesn’t keep it. Another person who lies to me.

Angry at Zenobia for loving me when I can’t love her in the same way. Angry because the last few days that Wynn and I were together, I spent more time with her and comforting her than I did with him, when I should have been with him. Angry because she wants me to believe her when she tells me that she loves me and she’d never leave me, when I’ll never be able to believe someone who tells me that again. Angry because she’s been so adamant that Wynn and I shouldn’t be together anyway that she’d try to kill him in order to make it happen. Angry at her because I feel so bad that I can’t just give her what she wants, and knowing that I have to deal with all of that too is making everything even harder.

So angry at Wynn. For everything that he’d done to make me feel so bad. Angry because he seems to have been able to move from me to Anna so easily, despite everything he ever said to me. Angry at how difficult it was for he and I to be together in the first place because he refused to break his promise to Narwen, and yet he doesn’t seem to have any of the same qualms with me. Angry that he could do something like this to me, when everything I ever did for him was to make him happy. Angry that I would have done anything for him, given anything to him, and he’s thrown it all back in my face. I’m so angry at him for building up every hope I ever had of having a family and the wonderful life we planned, and then dashing it all to pieces because he’s simply found someone he likes better. Angry that I know Wynn doesn’t lie, I know Wynn doesn’t break promises … everyone knows that … but it seems that he can with me. He wouldn’t tell a lie, even to save the lives of his comrades when he was in that Banite temple, but he’ll happily lie to me and break every promise he ever made to me. I guess he always said that I was special.

Mostly I’m just angry with myself. For not being able to deal with all of this the way I should do. People seem to think I should be able to get over it … that I should already have got over it. And I just can’t. I’m so angry at myself for not being able to just let go, when I know that I have to. I’m angry at myself for the fact that I think I’m turning out like my mother did, when I spent so much of my childhood thinking that she was stupid for loving my father, and vowing to myself that I’d never do the same. I understand her now. How she couldn’t let go of him, even when he’d gone. How she clung on to every piece of him that she had, every trinket that he’d ever given her, every letter he’d ever written to her. I’m still carrying my wedding dress around in my pack, along with everything else that Wynn ever gave me; flowers that I dried and pressed, the purple dress he gave me, the books that he bought for me, the necklace he put around my neck. I’ve read the poem he gave me so many times since he went, but this morning, I just threw the book across the cave. It’s all a lie. One big lie. I immediately went to pick it up and put it back in my pack, though. I don’t want to damage it. I’ve thought so many times about throwing my wedding dress away, because it just brings back more memories, but I can’t. I just can’t.

I wore myself out being angry, throwing things around and shouting at the top of my voice at nothing. After a while, it started to fade, and I went back to just feeling sorry for myself. I wish I could keep the anger. Being mad feels far better than the sad and empty feeling I have the rest of the time. I wish I could get this angry with Wynn when I see him … scream and shout at him … make him realise just what he’s done to me … hurt him as much as he’s hurt me. But I just can’t. I lay on my bedroll and started remembering all the good times we’d had. However much I tried not to think about it, seeing all of the things he’d given me brought them all back.

I thought about that first day by the pond when he kissed me, and how happy I’d been, realising that he felt the same about me as I felt about him. I remembered sitting in the Pride with him, when he first mentioned our children. I remembered the day he took me to the glade, and told me how much he loved me and how he wanted to marry me one day. The times we spent in the baths just talking and smiling and enjoying being together. The night we spent at the Pride … waking up in his arms and feeling so safe and secure. There’s little things too … not just the big, significant things. Our joke about Orc Draught being the source of all madness. Him sneaking up on me in the market and whispering in my ear, asking me to run away with him. Chasing around Arabel with him and Zenobia and being caught and tickled til I screamed. Him telling me how lucky he was that he was with the most beautiful lady in Arabel. Trying to explain to him that finding traps with your eyes, not your feet, was a good idea. The day he found me at the Baronette’s party and couldn’t take his eyes off me. The way it always used to take us ages to say goodbye to each other because of all the kisses and hugs and ‘I love you’s. I wish I could just accept it all as happy memories but part of my past, but I just want things to still be the same.

I spent a long time wondering whether going back to the city at all was a good idea. Maybe just leaving completely and never going back would be better. I always said that one day I’d go back to Waterdeep to get all the things I’d left behind … and Wynn said he’d come with me … but I can’t go back properly, though. Maybe I should just move somewhere else, somewhere new, where there aren’t any memories for me to stumble over all the time.

I remembered that one of the things Wynn always said he loved about me was how brave I was, though. I’m not brave … most of the time I’m just stupid … but I’m determined that I’m going to be brave about this. As much as going back to Arabel is brave, at least. Leaving isn’t the answer. I know that every time I see him, a part of my heart is going to hope that he comes over to me and tells me he’s changed his mind … but I can’t stop that. He won’t, I know he won’t … but I’ve just got to try to deal with it.

I packed up my things and trekked back to the city, arriving well after dark. I didn’t see anyone I knew on the way to the Traveller, which is most likely a good thing. I’m glad I took some time away, even if nothing has really changed inside my head. I needed some space from it all, even for a day or two. Tomorrow, I’ll get up, and see what happens … try to face it without him. Maybe I will just try to pretend I’m over it. Maybe that would work. I could tell Zeno I am, try to be happy and smily when I see Wynn, try not to punch Anna when I see her. Pretending everything is alright won’t make anything easier for me, but at least it might help everyone else. I’ll see. I’ll try.
_________________
Edana SeLangstra, ex-Breskie and mother of triplets. Lives in Silverymoon
Azria Saal, freed Thayan Knight
Miranda Isilme, priestess of Selune

[Silverstar]

02/08/04

Being back in Arabel and surrounded by people feels a little odd after the peace and quiet I've had for the past couple of days.

I've been trying really hard to be upbeat and happy today, so that people can believe I've dealt with it, and can stop having to worry about me. I saw Wynn first thing, and he came over to say hello to me, sitting down next to me in the market. I was as friendly and smily as I could be, and I think that maybe I managed to convince him. I asked him how he was, and he went off into a bit of a rant about Theo, which culminated in an argument with Theo about something or other. They were talking about Wynn having offered to sacrifice himself to Malar, or something ... I was horrified when I heard that, but it's not my place to tell him what to do, so I just kept my mouth shut.

Zeno got suspicious though. I'd bought a few bottles of wine at the inn after I woke up, and I figured that perhaps having a quick drink now and again would help me with the whole 'cheerful' thing. Seems I went a bit overboard with it, though, as Zenobia kept telling me to stop drinking, and eventually took the bottle away from me.

She gave me the most gorgeous bow that she'd had made for me. I felt a little sad about taking it from her, knowing that she'd had it made for me because of how she feels about me, but I thanked her so much for it. It's wonderful. I tried it out a little later, and it's so much more accurate than my old one.

She's been in trouble again ... killing some half-orc for some reason or another, and ending up in jail. She also said something very odd ... apparently Baroness Bresk has told her that she wants to make her into a lady. Sounds a bit weird to me ... Zenobia is the most unladylike person I know, and I didn't even know she knew the Baroness. She seems pretty bewildered by it too. It'll be nice if she's got some kind of connection to one of the noble houses at least, though. I know she really wanted to.

I wish I was a better actress. She grabbed me after a while, and forced me into one of the inn rooms with her, sat me down and insisted on knowing what was wrong, why I was acting so oddly. I tried to just tell her that I wasn't acting oddly ... I was fine, but she refused to believe me. I ended up confessing that I wasn't fine, and telling her a little about what I'd been thinking about when I was out in the wilds. We talked for a while about a lot of things ... how angry I'd been ... the way I felt about her ... the way I felt about Wynn. I told her how I just didn't feel I could trust people any more, and she tried to explain that I shouldn't feel like that. She did help some ... I do feel a little better.

Wynn's sent me a letter, asking him to meet with him at the Night Wolf to talk. I haven't got the faintest idea what he wants to talk about ... we've said most everything that we need to say to each other, as far as I can think. I hope he's not going to upset me again. I've said I will meet him, and I think I'll just go calm, collected and smiling. And no matter what he says, I won't let him see how much it hurts. Maybe just a little drink before I go would be a good idea....
_________________
Edana SeLangstra, ex-Breskie and mother of triplets. Lives in Silverymoon
Azria Saal, freed Thayan Knight
Miranda Isilme, priestess of Selune

[Silverstar]

03/08/04

Edana sits at her desk in her room at the Traveller and takes out her journal. She holds her pen poised above the page for a few minutes staring into space, thinking hard about everything that has happened. Eventually, she sighs heavily and puts pen to paper, beginning to write.

Well, Wynn and I are over. Finally ... totally ... completely.

I went to meet him at the Night Wolf as he'd asked me to, and found him there waiting for me. My cheerful act slipped almost immediately when I saw how unhappy he looked. I asked him what was wrong and he told me ... he told me he'd made a mistake.

I didn't understand what he meant by that. He told me that he should never have just left me without talking to me about it, so that the two of us could work out what the best thing to do was, together. It would have been nice, but it's unlikely that we would ever have agreed on what was best, and I told him that. He started talking about how he'd left because he didn't want to hurt me anymore than he had, but that there hadn't been any way to avoid that. I honestly didn't know what he was expecting me to say. I'm not sure he really knew what he wanted me to say, either.

I asked him if he was happy, and he said that he didn't know, that he couldn't stop thinking about how he'd broken all his promises to me and how much he'd hurt me. I wasn't going to lie to him, so I told him that, yes, he had hurt me, but that there wasn't anything that we could do to change that. He ... he looked at me and told me that he could keep his promises, but he didn't know whether that was the right thing either. I realised that he was offering to come back to me and keep his promises if I wanted him to.

But I needed to find out how he really felt, before I answered him. I asked him a few questions; whether he really wanted to keep his promises, whether he wanted to be with me, whether he could truly be happy married to me. The answers he gave me were ... unsatisfactory ... as though he was still trying not to hurt me. It seemed like he couldn't tell me he didn't want to be with me, but at the same time, he couldn't say he did. I don't know if he was trying to shield me from what he was feeling, or if he truly felt that way, but I realised that what he couldn't bring himself to say was that he loved me, and he wanted to be with me because he loved me.

The moment he offered to come back to me, I was so tempted to say yes. I wanted to so much. So many things went rushing through my head. How I could have him back and things could go back to normal. How I wouldn't have to feel so lonely anymore. How I could have everything that I longed for so much. But then I thought about actually having that, knowing that Wynn didn't really love me as much as he should do. I imagined standing next to him at our wedding, hearing him vow to love me and only me for the rest of his life, and knowing that not a word of it was true, that he was really thinking of Anna and loving Anna. I imagined how I would feel having his children, and never really knowing whether he loved them as much as he should do, because I was their mother and not Anna. And i knew that unless he could honestly tell me that I was the love of his life, I couldn't take him back. And I knew he couldn't.

I told him ... I told him to go to Anna and be happy. Hearing those words come out of my mouth was one of the hardest things I have ever done, and the moment I said them, I wished I could take them back. But I knew deep down that they were the right words. I told him that I would always love him and he told me the same. We held each other for a while, both of us in tears, knowing that this was probably the last time. I asked him if we could be friends, and he told me that we always would be. He asked me to promise that I would not shut myself off from finding love with someone else, and I said I'd try. I could barely bring myself to leave, but I knew I had to, so I kissed him, told him that I loved him, and left the inn, leaving him there. The moment I stepped outside the door, tears began to pour down my face, and I cried all the way back to the Traveller, but somehow, those tears felt almost cleansing.

I feel, somehow, peaceful now. Now that it was my choice to let him go ... as much as I had a real choice, anyway ... things feel kind of ... simpler. I don't feel upset or angry anymore. I feel ... sad, and full of regrets that things didn't turn out the way I'd hoped so much for. But I know that this will get easier in time. I saw him and Anna together today, and my heart squeezed everytime I looked at them ... I guess it probably always will ... but it was a regretful feeling, rather than a painful one. I'll always regret that Wynn and I didn't manage to stay together, and I'll always love him, but it will get easier. I know it will.

So now all I need to do is figure out what to do about Zenobia. I know that she's desperately hoping that I'm going to fall into her arms now that Wynn and I are no longer together, but at the moment, I just can't. I even spoke to Wynn about it today. He's probably the last person I should talk to about things like this, but I'm so used to turning to him when I need advice, that I couldn't think of a single other person to ask. He advised me to follow my heart and basically told me not to try to push love. He asked me if I was attracted to her, and I said I didn't know. I honestly don't know. I still haven't managed to get myself in the frame of mind to actually look at Zenobia in that way, so I can't really say. He told me that although he believes love can develop, he didn't think attraction could. It was nice talking to him like that. It reminded me of how we used to talk before we got together .. when we were just friends.

There's so many things to consider about Zeno. If I don't try to be with her, I might never know whether I could. But if I try, and it doesn't work out, she'll be hurt. If I don't try, she'll be hurt.

There's other things too. If I did get together with her, and it did work out, that's all very well, but I'd have to miss out on so many of the things I want. Marriage is one thing I always wanted ... I guess that that's something that could be done, in a way. But children is another thing. I've always wanted to be a mother, and there's no way Zeno and I could have children, not without some man or other getting involved, and I'm not sure I could bring myself to have children with someone I don't love. She was talking about it the other day, and she seems to think that if she prayed hard enough, the gods would take pity and we'd have some sort of minor miracle on our hands. Even I'm not stupid enough to believe that it works that way.

It's all still complicated, but I guess the best thing to do is just take one day at a time and see what happens.
_________________
Edana SeLangstra, ex-Breskie and mother of triplets. Lives in Silverymoon
Azria Saal, freed Thayan Knight
Miranda Isilme, priestess of Selune

[Silverstar]

06/08/04

I should have written yesterday, but I forgot. So I guess I should mention the happenings of yesterday too, seeing as they were pretty important.

The major thing that's happened in the past two days is that I've agreed to try a relationship with Zenobia. I wasn't planning to, but I just got fed up of spending so much time with her when there was this tension between us all the time. I had to be so careful about what I said or did in case she got upset, and it was starting to wear me down. So I told her we needed to sit down together and decide once and for all how we were going to handle this.

I told her we had a choice: that either we continued being friends, but just left things to happen naturally without her trying to force anything, which would mean she would have to stop getting upset so often over the fact that we weren't together; or we could try the relationship, but she would have to accept that if it didn't work out, we were both going to get hurt. There was another option that I could see, which was that we just kept away from each other in the hope that she'd stop loving me, but she would have hated that, and I didn't want to lose my best friend, especially not so soon after losing my lover.

I must have said something wrong again, becasue she got upset and went running off out of the city. I tracked her down and she was in floods of tears. I couldn't calm her down at all, and ended up saying the only thing that I could think that might work, which was to say that I was happy to try having a relationship with her, so long as she could promise me that she could cope if it didn't work out the way she wanted it to. She said that she could, so ... well ... I kissed her. I don't know if it was the right thing to do. We've spent a lot of time together since, and she seems really happy, and I guess I'm happy to. Things are pretty nice ... kissing her is nice ... but I don't feel the same way about her that I did about Wynn. I don't know if that's because she's a woman, because I'm still not over Wynn, because things are very early on in the relationship, or what, but I hope things change. If they don't, I guess I'll need to try to let her down as early and as gently as I can, because I don't want her having to go through the same as I went through. Because it was hellish.

What else has happened? Someone tried to assassinate Zeno yesterday. He went free and she ended up in jail ... I knew the guards are pretty useless, but still ... I have no idea what it was all about, except that he apparently showed Zeno a suit of Bresk armour when she asked him why he'd done it. That could mean all kinds of things. Val and I are keeping an eye out for anything that we can find out about it, although Zeno's trying to persuade me not to get involved.

Umm ... had an odd conversation with one of the guards this morning. He came up to me and asked if I was Edana. When I said I was, he asked me if Wynn had ever hurt me. I told him that of course he hadn't. Then he asked if Zenobia ever had. Again, I said no. He said something about the amount of trouble that seemed to surround the two of them. I told him that most of that had been my fault and that it shouldn't happen anymore. He told me if either of them ever did hurt me, to go and tell him and he'd sort them out. Odd guy. Nice of him, but I have no idea why he'd think either of them would ever hurt me. Physically, anyway.

What else? I managed to beat Zeno in a chess match this morning. I was very proud of myself. Sometimes blind luck does win out over strategy. I went on a job for the alchemist with the most argumentative group ever. I'm surprised that the enemies we faced didn't hear us coming much sooner, the number of fights that were going on amongst the group. Zeno told me she'd seen Wynn and he'd been in a bad mood. That doesn't sound good, but I suppose it's not really my business to go asking him about it and trying to help him anymore. I'm sure he'll tell me what's wrong if he wants me to know. Zeno's somehow become convinced that Melissa is cavorting with devils and demons ... we had a bit of an argument about it, as I really can't see Melissa being the evil person Zeno seems to think she is.

Hmm ... well, that's about it. Nothing else to report.
_________________
Edana SeLangstra, ex-Breskie and mother of triplets. Lives in Silverymoon
Azria Saal, freed Thayan Knight
Miranda Isilme, priestess of Selune

[Silverstar]

08/08/04

Zenobia's left the city for a while. She left me a note telling me that things were getting difficult for her here, and she was leaving so that none of her friends would be in danger. She told me she was going to Calimport for a while, but would be back soon. I hope she is. I'm going to really miss her while she's away. I spent most of today not really knowing what to do. For a long time, I've spent practically all my time with Wynn or Zeno, and now I can't spend as much time with Wynn, and Zeno's gone, I feel pretty lost.

I did spend some time with Wynn and Anna today. It's getting easier. I still feel pretty strange seeing them together, and I still get that pang in my heart when I see Wynn, but ... it'll get easier. I'm glad I can still spend time with him. I'm glad he hasn't cut me out of his life completely.

I wanted to apologise to Anna today for a being a bit strange with her recently, but I didn't get the chance, because just as I was about to talk to her about it, a man came up to me and started making threats, telling me to shut Zeno up or he'd do it for me. Something to do with Melissa. I swear, I never thought there was anything to Zeno's story about Melissa before, but someone coming up to me and making threats like that makes me wonder. Maybe Zeno's right? He kept calling Zeno my 'partner'. I don't know where in the hells he got that information. Zenobia had better not have told anyone about us. The last thing I want is everyone knowing about it before I've even made up my mind 100% about whether we're doing the right thing. One thing I never told anyone about how I felt when Wynn left was that I felt really humiliated that he could so easily leave me for someone else ... I wondered what was wrong with me, and I felt like everyone was staring at me because they knew. I don't want Zeno to have to go through that if she and I don't stay together.
_________________
Edana SeLangstra, ex-Breskie and mother of triplets. Lives in Silverymoon
Azria Saal, freed Thayan Knight
Miranda Isilme, priestess of Selune

[Silverstar]

09/08/04

Edana sits at her desk in the Traveller, resting her chin on her arms for a few moments, staring at the wall before she begins to write.

Seems Wynn and Anna aren't together anymore.

After all that, she's left him. I honestly can't believe it. I mean, I know that he wouldn't have stayed with me even if she hadn't wanted to be with him in the first place, but still ... one thing that made the situation bearable was knowing that he was happy, at least. Now both he and I have been through the same. I don't want to think of him feeling how I did.

I'm really worried about him. He came up to me today wearing a shapeless grey robe and wearing a helm, and until he spoke to me, I didn't even realise it was him. I'm really scared that he's going back to how he told me he was when he arrived in Arabel ... not showing his face and keeping away from everyone. I'm glad he still feels he can talk to me, at least, but still ... I'm worried he might do something silly. He told me he barely cared anymore ... that he was sick of hurting people and being hurt, and when I asked him not to let this ruin him, he told me it was probably too late. I wish I could think of something to say to him to help him, but I don't know what. Anna came over when I was sitting with him, and she didn't even realise it was him. He just walked away. He's not even speaking to her, it seems. Hells, what can I do to help here?

I thought about talking to Anna about it, but if I do, I'll have to tell her that I have seen him, and explain that he's avoiding her. I don't even know what to say to her. I don't even know whether it's any of my business.

He said something odd earlier on when we were sitting in the Traveller. He told me that he'd been talking to Anna about the possibility of Zeno and I having a relationship, and had mentioned to her that I really wanted to have children, but I wouldn't be able to if I was with Zeno. Apparently, she offered to let me borrow him if I ever wanted to have children, and he couldn't tell if she'd been serious or not. Would you really be willing to 'lend' out someone that you loved to another woman? I shouldn't think I could. Edana stares at the wall again for a few moments, before continuing writing. It's a pretty insensitive thing to joke about, if she was joking. She knows that having children with Wynn was something that I wanted more than anything, and she jokes about 'lending' him to me. Wynn seemed pretty confused about it ... I'm assuming he thought it was a bad idea, although he didn't say that. Gods, I wish he wouldn't tell me things like that. Now I've got the thought in my head again ...

I'm missing Zeno. It feels very strange not having her following me around all the time. I heard earlier that Melissa was in jail and might be being sentenced to execution, which makes me wonder whether Zeno was right all along. I hope she's ok. I hope she comes back to Arabel soon.
_________________
Edana SeLangstra, ex-Breskie and mother of triplets. Lives in Silverymoon
Azria Saal, freed Thayan Knight
Miranda Isilme, priestess of Selune

[Silverstar]

10/08/04

I'm so worried about Wynn. I'm really scared he's going to do something silly. He doesn't seem to be talking to anyone except me, and I don't know what to say to him. There isn't anything I can say to him to make him feel better. You'd think I'd know what to say, having been through the whole thing myself ... but there isn't anything.

He keep talking about giving up, asking me what the point of loving people is when it only causes pain, saying that he's never going to love anyone again. I don't know if I'm giving him the right answers. I'm terrified that he's going to give up completely, and the next time I see him, he'll be in a coffin.

I wish he'd talk to Anna. She wants to speak to him, and maybe she could say the right thing to help him get through this, but he's insisting there's nothing left for them to say, and refusing to speak to her. He stormed away from Val when she tried to get him to speak to Anna earlier. I don't know why he's still talking to me. Maybe because he knows I understand how he feels.

Lady, bring me some luck. Next time I see him, help me find the right words to say. Help me to bring him out of this depression he's got himself into. I don't want to lose him.

I hope Zeno's back soon. I'm not entirely sure that her particular brand of 'help' will be a lot of use here, but at least I'll have someone there to help me, even if not help Wynn. And I miss her.
_________________
Edana SeLangstra, ex-Breskie and mother of triplets. Lives in Silverymoon
Azria Saal, freed Thayan Knight
Miranda Isilme, priestess of Selune

[Silverstar]

13/08/04

Edana sits cross-legged on her bed at the Night Wolf and opens her journal on her lap. A small faerie dragon sits on the bed next to her, watching her interestedly, and she reaches out to stroke its head every so often.

Missed a few days, I guess. I haven't really thought about writing ... but I've got nothing better to do now, so I suppose I should catch up on what I've been doing.

Wynn's still being strange. I haven't seen him so much the past few days, but every time I have, he's still been wearing the robe and sometimes the helm. He's not really talking, and I don't know that trying to make him talk is a good idea. He knows where I am if he needs me. If he ever needs me. I doubt it. Nothing I say ever makes a difference to him any more. And despite him telling me that he'd always love me, and we'd always be friends, I haven't seen much evidence of that lately.

I spoke to Anna about the situation the other day. Seems that Wynn's not quite explained what happened properly to me, although, even if Anna decided to choose him over Orax, I can't see Wynn taking it well, or agreeing to go back to her. We talked quite a lot about him, wondering whether or not he'd ever tried to get this curse of his lifted, and if not, why not? Sometimes I honestly wonder if he enjoys being miserable ... he has so many chances to be happy, but he just doesn't seem to want to take them. I don't understand him any more ... he doesn't seem to be the same person that I love ... I hate seeing him like this.

Zeno's back in Arabel. I was really pleased to see her ... more than I was expecting to be, and ... well ... we kind of ended up in bed together. It surprised me, to be honest. After all that time asking Wynn if we could wait ... and I end up in bed with Zeno so quickly ... But then, going about things the way I did with Wynn never worked, did it? He left me anyway. Going about things in a completely different way this time might work ... I hope ...

She gently strokes the head of the tiny dragon next to her and smiles at it. It dives its head into her pack and pulls out a bag of candy, up-ending it on the bed and then gulping it down. She grins as it begins to fly madly in circles around the room, wings fluttering frantically.

I started going out to the Glade a lot recently, to study. I never really managed to get much work done in the city because of all the distractions, but out there, it's really quiet and peaceful. I kept spotting something fluttering around the trees whilst I was there, though, and eventually Zeno and I managed to track it down. It ... or rather, she ... is a Faerie Dragon ... the prettiest little creature I've ever seen. I was surprised when she spoke to us, but we gave her some food, and she chatted quite happily for a while. Her name is Sasa, and she told us how boring she found the glade because the animals had nothing much to say to her except to talk about food, sleep or mating. Zeno suggested she come back to the city with us, and I explained a little about how she could become my familiar if she wanted. She seemed agreeable to the idea, and we brought her back in my pack. She's a little rude, to be honest, and pretty inquisitive, but I think we'll get on well. I know that there is some kind of ritual that I'm supposed to perform before she properly becomes my familiar, but I think I'll let her settle here with me and see if she likes it first.

I'm glad I've found Sasa, because I'm not going to have many other people to talk to now. Zeno and I found Aeriel earlier to ask her about the rules regarding familiars in the city, wanting to know whether it would be ok to allow Sasa out of my pack in the market or not. She answered my questions about familiars happily enough, and then embarrassed both Zenobia and I by leaning in and asking quietly whether the two of us were sleeping together or not. Zeno told her it was none of her business, and Aeriel replied that it was, because of the number of conservative men and women here in Arabel, and that if we didn't keep what we were doing to ourselves, she would be pressured into making it illegal, and so we had to keep it quiet, and make sure no one knew about it.

Illegal? I mean ... what business is it of anyone else's anyway? We're already trying to keep it quiet, but ... if Aeriel knows, we're obviously not doing very well. Zeno and I spent a lot of time talking about it. Some people know about us already ... Wynn, Anna, Aeriel and Del'mier, we're sure of. Possibly Amilyndria too. Maybe some others. If Aeriel is insisting on us keeping it quiet ... well ... it's going to be tricky. We came up with all kinds of ideas about what to do, but in the end, decided that the best thing would be to keep away from each other as much as possible in public. I've moved out to the Night Wolf, and Zeno is staying at the Dragon, so we're not sharing a room. We've avoiding each other in the city. And Zeno is planning to take it one step further and persuade one of her male friends to begin a fake relationship with her in order to try to convince people her preferences have changed. I have no idea how long she thinks she'll be able to keep that up for. She usually can't keep a look of disgust off her face if a man so much as walks near her. But it might work, I suppose.

I really hope that we're just worrying too much here, and Aeriel was exaggerating about it. It's better to be safe than sorry, but maybe she didn't really mean what she said. I hope ...
_________________
Edana SeLangstra, ex-Breskie and mother of triplets. Lives in Silverymoon
Azria Saal, freed Thayan Knight
Miranda Isilme, priestess of Selune

[Silverstar]

Edana stomps into her room at the Wolf and throws herself on the bed, pulling the pillow over her head and lying motionless for a few moments. Sasa watches her come in, from her perch on the dresser, and flutters down next to her, poking her head under the pillow to try to force Edana out. Edana eventually sighs and sits up, pulling her pack towards her and taking out her journal. She opens it on her lap and begins to write slowly, taking her time over each word.

Hells ... damn it all to the Nine Hells. I am so confused now ... I don't know what to do ... to think ...

I've barely seen Zeno today. She came out to the Wolf earlier and we headed off to the glade for a while, but only for a short while. We chatted a little ... she told me Del'mier won't help us, the Baroness can't help us ... and apparently Wynn has it in his head that it's Aeriel that has proposed the law, and he's gone mad about it. We're really worried he's going to go after her ... attack her or something ... how can it possibly be Aeriel who suggested this? It would affect her as much as it affects us, surely? We've got to stop him ... somehow ...

I spoke to Samille earlier. She asked me how Wynn was ... I told her he wasn't too good at the moment ... he wasn't himself. She asked why, and I tried to explain as much as I could. She already knew that Wynn and I were no longer together, and told me that in losing Anna, he was only getting what he deserved for leaving me, and that he didn't know when he had it lucky. I told her the last thing I'd wanted was for him to end up this way ...

Kurenai came over to talk to me in the market. Gods ... everything she said ... I don't know what to think anymore. She told me that she didn't like Zenobia hurting Wynn and making him angry, and asked me why I was doing this. I didn't understand what she was talking about, and she said she meant, why was I doing this with Zeno? I told her that I didn't think that it was me being together with Zenobia that was making Wynn angry, that he was the one who left me, after all. She told me men do stupid things sometimes.

I told her that he had told me he was happy for me to be with Zenobia .. that he didn't want me anymore. She asked me if I was doing this with Zenobia simply because Wynn had left me. I said that I wasn't ... and she asked me if I loved Zeno. I didn't really know what to say. I ... I think I might ... maybe ... but ... it's so different from before ... I told her that I didn't know. She told me she had no problems with me being with Zenobia for the 'pillow games', but that she didn't want me to be doing it simply because I was hurt.

I asked her what Wynn had said to her, and she said that he'd mentioned a woman. I guessed he'd probably meant Anna, and explained that it was Anna that he had fallen in love with and left me for. She commented on how ironic it was that Anna had now left Wynn. She told me that she had told Wynn he needed to do one of three things: find a new love; marry his blade, the way she had done ... or end it all.

I couldn't believe she had even suggested to him that ending it all was even an option. I begged her not to tell him to do that ... I'm already so worried that he'll decide it's a good idea. She told me that when he was with me, he was so strong, like a pillar ... I thought back to how everything had been ... I loved him so much ... I told her that, and she asked me if I didn't love him anymore. I told her I always would love him, and she begged me to go to him ... to get him back ...

I tried to explain that he didn't want me anymore ... that he'd told me that the love he'd felt for me had faded ... that he didn't feel the same anymore. She asked me if I really thought that Zenobia could give me everything that Wynn would have. I told her that I'd do anything if I thought it would help him, but that I didn't think there was anything I could do ... that he rarely really spoke to me anymore. She commented that he seemed to speak to Zenobia a fair bit, and every time he did, he got angry. I told her that he'd broken my heart .. I explained a little of what had happened between us, and said that I didn't know what to do. She suggested that perhaps the best thing to do would be nothing at all ... which seems a risky idea to me. She said that perhaps he just needs time to find his true self, but what if he gives up before he gets there? What if he sinks away into darkness? What if ...

I told her I hated seeing him like this, and she said she did too. She told me that she loved him, and she loved me, and that together we'd reminded her of things. I don't really know what she meant ... and she didn't elaborate, but instead said that now both of us had broken down.

She told me Zenobia wasn't right for me. I asked her how she knew, and she told me that she believed Zeno to be obsessed with me, not in love with me. That her feelings were like fire, she was too passionate, and her feelings were easily stirred. I asked if she meant that Zeno would find herself in love with someone else soon enough ... like Wynn had done ... and she told me that although she thought Zeno would always feel for me, it wasn't true love. She told me true love was found in the head and the heart, and asked me if, when I kissed Zeno ... my heart quaked and my stomach flew ...

Sometimes it does ... sometimes ... the way it did with Wynn. I told her that it was beginning to. She suggested to me that perhaps I had gone to Zeno because it was safe, rather than because I loved her ... I told her I just wanted to be happy. She said that she wanted me to be happy too ... but she didn't think that it would be with Zenobia. That I should continue my pillow games with Zeno, but not to walk into a love that was going to hurt me. I asked her I asked her where she thought I should look for happiness then, if not with someone who loved me, and told her that I was getting used to feeling hurt. She suggested that maybe I was allowing myself to be hurt. I asked her why I would do something like that and she said she didn't know.

I told her I'd worked really hard to get over Wynn, and she said she understood, but that she felt I'd simply fallen into the arms of safety, not love, this time. She asked me if I was the first woman Zenobia had ever made love to. I was very embarrassed, but said that I was.

Why couldn't Wynn and I have just stayed together? Everything was so good! Why did he have to go and mess it all up? Kurenai said that men are difficult, and sometimes you have to let them loose for a time. I commented that if you did that, they didn't come back, and Kurenai said that ... she thought ... I could take him back ... She said I'd never know if I didn't try. I asked her what would be the point if he didn't love me? She said that perhaps I was right ... perhaps he wasn't right for me anymore ... but that I should follow my heart and my head. I told her doing that only ever seemed to get me into trouble.

She asked me to do one thing for her .. to ask Zeno to leave Wynn alone and stop making him angry. I told her I'd try, because I really don't want the two of them ending up hating each other. I asked her to promise me that she'd tell me if there was ever anything I could do to help Wynn, and to let me know if she ever felt he was going to do anything silly. If he does, I swear ... he'll break my heart again.

I sat there for a while, twisting Zenobia's ring on my finger, and touching the necklace Wynn gave me, which I still always wear around my throat. Kurenai asked me what they were, and I told her. She asked me which meant the most to me ... and ... I couldn't tell her ... I'm not sure I know anymore ...

Hells, now what do I do? Does Wynn really want me back? If he and I got back together, would it really bring him back to the person he used to be? Do I want him back? I still love him ... I still love the man that he was when he was with me ... the man I want him to be again. Or is this all in Kurenai's imagination? He's never shown any indication of wanting me back, but then ... Wynn wouldn't ... not when he knows I'm with Zeno ...

And is Kurenai right about Zeno? Does she really love me? I asked her once when she first told me of her love for me why she felt that way, and she said it was because I was the first person to ever care for her. Maybe that is it. I was the first person to care for her ... I was the first woman to really show much of an interest in any way to her ... maybe she simply latched on to me because of that. And Zenobia's passions do run hight, in whatever way. If she thinks she loves me ... she would be like this, throwing her soul into it ... but it doesn't mean it's real, does it? Simply that I was here for her, and maybe she misinterpreted gratitude as love ...

How do I feel for her? I don't know. I thought I was falling in love with her ... It's never been exactly how it was with Wynn, but I thought it was growing. But maybe Kurenai's right. Maybe when Wynn left, I just went for the safe option ... someone who wanted me and who would take care of me ... rather than fighting it out on my own.

Listening to Kurenai made me realise ... the only people I ever really spoke to about any of this were Wynn, Zeno and Anna ... all of whom were emotionally involved, and had motives for saying what they did. Kurenai is on the outside ... maybe she can see things that I can't ... that I coudn't bring myself to ..

For the Lady's sake! What is going on here? What in the hells do I do now? Do I leave Zeno for both our sakes? Do I go after Wynn and risk him hurting me again? Do I do nothing, leave things as they are, and risk losing everything? What! What do I do?!

Edana picks up her journal and hurls it across the room at the wall, her face contorted with confusion and anger. Sasa watches her in puzzlement, fluttering down next to her and looking up at her quizzically.

Sasa: So, why'd you do that?

Edana: Because I'm confused ... I'm so confused ... and it's making me angry.

Sasa: Confused about what?

Edana: Zeno ... Wynn ... everything ...

Sasa: Stupid humans ... all you ever think about is mating. There's more to life than that ...

Edana: You know, I'm really beginning to think you're right. Mating is more trouble than it's worth, sometimes.

Sasa: *smugly* As I have been telling you all along ... so, where's my dinner?
_________________
Edana SeLangstra, ex-Breskie and mother of triplets. Lives in Silverymoon
Azria Saal, freed Thayan Knight
Miranda Isilme, priestess of Selune

[Silverstar]

15/08/04

I was determined not to talk to Zeno about Kurenai's advice until I'd figured it all out in my own head, but she always manages to make me talk. She met me on my way out of the city, and told me to meet her in the glade ... I couldn't very well refuse. When she got there, she almost immediately asked if we could sleep together ... I just couldn't.

She figured out something was bothering me pretty easily ... I wish I was better at just acting normal when I'm upset, but it seems people can read it all over my face. She made me tell her all about my conversation with Kurenai, and tried to set my mind at rest. She insisted that she really did love me ... it really was true love, and that even though Wynn was acting strange, me trying to jump into bed with him wasn't going to magically solve all his problems. I know all of that really ... but still ... I do wonder ... There must be some way I can help him ...

I told her that I was really worried about my own reasons for doing this ... that maybe Kurenai was right, and I did agree to be with Zeno because she was safe. She assured me that she didn't believe that for a moment ... that she knew I loved her. I wondered how she could, when I didn't really even know myself ... but then I thought about it ...

I do love Zeno. It's not the love-at-first-sight feeling I had with Wynn, but nevertheless, it is love. I told her so, and she seemed so happy ... I'm glad I made her happy ...

Sasa is great ... she's so much fun. She makes me smile all the time. She's so curious about everything, and thinks we're all 'stupid humans'. I'm pretty sure she's actually convinced she is a real dragon ... I mean ... a big dragon. not a faerie dragon ... who has somehow been shrunk and given butterfly wings. She's been chatting to a fair few people today, and they all seemed to like her. Even Zeno likes her, although the two of them spend a lot of time arguing. Zeno threw her in the river this morning for some reason or another, and Sasa's been threatening to bite her ever since. She has a candy obsession, too. I'm trying to wean her off that ... I'm sure it's not good for her. I've not let her out in the market yet, in case of trouble, but I think, in a few more days, if she still seems to be getting on well with people, I might try it.

I'm getting mine and Sasa's portraits done by a new artist in the city, Amon. He did some sketches of Sasa earlier, to give to a friend of his, and began of a sketch of the two of us. I think I'll give it to Zenobia when it's done ... I think she'll like that.

One odd thing happened today. There's a strange man who seems to be following me around. He wears a robe, like a wizard's robe, and a helm over his face, and I could be wrong, but I think I keep catching him staring at me. I've tried not to show I've noticed. I went into the Dragon earlier, to talk to Amon, and the man followed me inside, and stood, looking at me for a few moments, then left. I thought he'd gone completely, but he was standing just outside the door of the bar as I left. I was chatting to Samille in the market, and she noticed him staring at me too. He then abruptly left, but Samille spotted he'd left a book behind when he went. She went over to get it, and it turned out to be a copy of 'Wind By The Fireside'. I love that poem. It made me sad for a few moments, thinking back to the day that Wynn had given me a copy of it, the day he kissed me for the first time out by the pond. I thought those words meant so much ... but now ... I know they don't.

Samille took the book so that she could show the poem to Spar. Maybe if I see the man again, I should let him know that she has his book, in case he wants to get it back. Although ... I'm actually a little creeped out by the way he kept staring at me. Samille suggested that I call the militia, as she was worried he might be dangerous. I didn't think he was ... but if I see him following me around too much more ... I might have a word with a guard. I don't want him catching me in a corner somewhere and attacking me or anything ...
_________________
Edana SeLangstra, ex-Breskie and mother of triplets. Lives in Silverymoon
Azria Saal, freed Thayan Knight
Miranda Isilme, priestess of Selune